Shallow Thinker

If you have children, then you’re always proud of them and telling hilarious stories about the silly things they do. If you don’t have children, then you’re always sitting through some boring story that a parent is telling you about their kid pulling the cat’s tail over and over. They’ll laugh so hard telling it that they’ll start to cry. The tears streaming down your cheeks are from fighting off the urge to yell “THIS STORY IS BORING AND I DON’T CARE!” So with that in mind, I want to regale you with a tale of watching my child mature.

It was about 6 months after I’d started a new job (which I haven’t been fired from yet) that I looked around and realized that I was just an insignificant spec in the world of engineering. This is not what I wanted. I didn’t sleep through four years of college just to become a random person woven into the fabric of society. I wanted to be somebody….somebody who makes a difference. History is littered with engineers who have worked tirelessly and made amazing innovations, but we never remember their names. For instance, the first guy to make a bridge….he wasn’t even named Mr. Bridge. Nope, Mr. Bridge was his manager. I didn’t want that to happen to me. I needed something to define my legacy. And then, my first brain-child was born:

SODD (Society of Dunkin Donuts)

With keen intellect, a winning personality and a knack for making lists, I managed to find about a dozen willing participants. Each participant was responsible for bringing two dozen donuts for his/her assigned Thursday. And on Thursday morning, when the donuts arrived, all participants would gather around the box and break deep-fried bread together. I looked around at the society, and it was good. A bit wobbly on its feet at times, but a beautiful idea born unto my workforce.

It is with great pride that I write you today to tell you about watching this legacy take its first steps to independence. this morning, after sprinting from my car into the break room, I opened the box and almost wept with joy. One of the participants, all on his own, found a way to combine the concept of “fried dough” with that of “chocolate in a candy shell”. I had to snap a picture of this beautiful creation before I devoured it.

That’s what being a father is all about.

I have this “friend“ who happens to be a freak about a “certain show“ that he enjoys watching. Whenever it is on, the universe pauses around him. He goes to internet sites to research the history of individual words that are mentioned in the dialogue. He’s listened to portions of a soundtrack backwards to see if there are hidden meanings. He’s even looked at individual frames of episodes to see if there are hidden clues. It’s crazy, I tell you….crazy. But, alas, my dear wife has been sucked into the mystery, too. So on Thursday night, they will both be seated in front of the TV, along with millions across America, to see what random twist the writers of the crazy show have developed. And at the end of each episode, they will try to figure out what it all means…what is really going on. I have my theories but I’ll not divulge them here (the writers are drunk and make episodes that are as random as my posts).

Frankly, the show does nothing for me. Sure, I like the premise and the suspense, but there are so many little details to remember and then they go on hiatus for 6 years, return for 4 episodes, and then they disappear until the next el niño appears. For me, that’s too much waiting to have to remember too many details.

I need something that indulges my need for instant action and requires me to remember nothing between episodes. Thankfully, the writer’s strike has come to my rescue. And along with the writer’s strike, NBC has filled the void with the return of the greatest…show…ever…AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!

I remember watching the original American Gladiators with my brother on Saturday mornings. We’d sit on the couch with a bowl of sugar-laced cereal and watch normal Joes go into battle against the steroid-puffed (allegedly) brick walls that wished only to crush their foes. The new show brings back more of the same with a couple of small differences.

1. Hulk Hogan has been added for humor. His “interviews” of the contestants are so sad that they’re hilarious. It’s like watching Lance play football. It’s not pretty, but for some reason, you can’t turn away.
2. A few of the events have been changed-up. The newest event is “The Pyramid” where contestants try to climb up a big padded thing while the gladiators try to throw them down. Let me pause for a second to ask: HOW IS THIS AN EVENT? My cousins and I used to play this all the time at my grandparents. Except instead of calling it “pyramid” we called it “king of the hill” and the person on top had to take on multiple challengers simultaneously. And pads? If it was summer, we were lucky to have grass on the hill. This event does not look like a contest of strength to me. It looks like a game we’d invent if we were bored one afternoon….and had lots of padding that we could stack up.
3. But not all the changes are bad. There is one change that I think is definitely positive. That’s the introduction of Crush. After hours of internet searching I just happened to find out that in real life “Crush” competes in mixed martial arts (MMA)…wow. So see, she’s a multi-dimensioned person. If we were to be hangin’ out, and I’m sure we would, she could double as security detail. That’s much better than some other celebrities that other people fawn over incessantly.

So there you have it. You watch your silly shows about people who are trapped in a bad dream and I’ll watch Crush pummel competitors in the joust. It’s a win-win situation.

One of the neat things about having a blog is that you can look “behind the scenes” to get some information about your site. For instance, I can see what site you’re coming from if you’ve clicked a link to get here - Queen Kelley seems to be a large contributor. (Thanks, babe!) And I can tell how often links on my site are clicked. (Apparently no one likes my music recommendations.) One interesting statistic is the number of visitors that the site receives per day. I’ve noticed that the number is way higher than it should be. So, after gathering my suspicions, I contacted my web/jedi master and he confirmed what I have long feared:

Bots. No, not Bill Botts, but Robots. They’ve been looking at my site. Google bots, yahoo bots, you name it. They’ve been crawling this place since I opened for business. So what does this mean? I don’t know yet. I’ve been waiting to see what comments they leave in the comment section, but they’ve been silent thus far. I can’t tell if they’re quite because they’re content with what they’re reading or if they’re upset and going to get reinforcements.

So, in an effort to keep the bots happy, I think I’ll tell a joke in their native language: binary code –

10101111010101000101001011010101101
010111010010001010101011011010101010
101010100101110101010101010101011101
00101010101110011001101111101000000

HA! HA! Can you believe that? “01000” That’s funny.

So I have this great idea…see what you think. You give me some money and I’ll give you something in return. Need me to be more specific? Fine then, you give me $15 and I’ll give you 5 random things that I can find…but you can’t see them ahead of time. And I promise you that one of them has at least a 4% chance of being something that you want. Sounds lame, doesn’t it? Who on earth would take a deal like that. Only a true loser…

So my “mystery box” from yugster finally arrived today. (For those who are unfamiliar, it’s similar to ordering a bag-of-crap from woot.) So here’s the rundown of the contents:

MP3 Belt Bag - It says “nerd” without all the bulk of a fanny pack

Cellphone Headset - It actually fits my phone. (2.5mm jack) Too bad I have a bluetooth adapter for my car. Any of you out there want to look like one of those operators on TV?

Flingshot Chicken - It’s got an elastic neck so you can fling it. The warning says “Chicken may fly at high speeds. Aim away from people, pets, or breakable furnishings.”

Finger Fun Racing Game - it’s a keychain-sized version of those crappy games that were popular long before gameboy came out.

Leather Universal Cellphone Case - yeah, that’s right, leather. Other Benefits include “fashionable polka-dot interior lining” and “small vanity mirror inside front flap”.

Just in case you don’t think it’s a good haul, here’s another shot…

If you’ve never met either of us, you might be interested to know my wife and I are a bit different from each other. We see and interact with the world in completely different ways. For instance, if you asked us to describe one of the items in our front yard, my wife would probably say something like:

Hundreds of uninhibited flames dance upon their branches and regain their passion with every breath of the wind. As the bitterness of winter falls upon the landscape, the flames will fall to the ground creating a warm blanket to warm the body of the tree until the glow of spring brings new flames to life…

While I love the way my wife paints mental portraits and chooses her words so perfectly, I tend to say things a bit different. Something along the lines of:

The Acer Palmatum Atropurpureum located in the northern portion of our property stands approximately ten feet tall and is distinguished by the reddish hue of the foliage. Pruning has affected the growth of the tree such that no leaves or branches protrude from the bottom-most four to five feet of the trunk, which is a maximum of approximately thee inches in diameter.

So, yeah, we’re different. And when our youngest awoke during the middle of the night throwing-up, we both handled the situation very differently. My wife used her keen since of intellect to know that this would happen even hours before it occurred. As soon as the child moved in her crib, my wife swung into action, hurriedly grabbing seven different objects from the changing station while simultaneously comforting and cleaning said child in one swift motion. As she dealt with the crisis with concern, worry, and compassion, I managed to sit-up in the bed and look around.

By the end of the night, Queen Kelley had single-handedly researched the known medical history of 7 different stomach viruses, examined all children within a 30 mile radius, and referenced 4 medical journals. I put the dirty sheets in the wash. And apparently, I wasn’t very good at that because I got a call this morning on my way to work…”Any reason why the washing machine won’t work?” I have a faint memory of shutting off the water to the washing machine when the sheets had been thoroughly washed, so I was proud to solve the problem over the phone. The response I was expecting was “ah, thank you, sweet dear. You are my hero and your decision-making skills surely saved us from a flood if the hoses would have burst asunder during the middle of the night.” What I heard was something more to the effect of “Why would you do that?”

To be honest, I don’t know. I was half asleep. I don’t have a clue why I do most of the things that I do when I’m fully awake, much less the things that I do when affected by the desire to find a soft pillow. But, I can say that I’m glad that my wife and I are different. She his able to tend to children in the dead of night with full faculties while I am able to do a load of laundry and avert certain floods.

It’s just too bad that another difference is that she handles worry by lying awake and listening for the sound of trouble while I handle it by snoring a little louder.

So this weekend is “The Big Game” (because you can’t say Super Bowl or else you might get sued. Oh, wait…I just said it. Ah nuts, I’m getting sued, aren’t I?)….sorry, I digress…At any rate, everyone is making their pick as to who will win. I know who I think will win, but I’m not sure who I want to win. It’s tough for me…let me walk you through it.

I’d like to see Eli Manning break out of his brother’s shadow and win a championship. On the flip side, I’m afraid that it would completely flood the market with more endorsements from the Manning brothers even though it would be tough to saturate the market any further. I’d like to see the Patriots make history in going 19-0, but they’ve got that whole spygate thing going. (To be perfectly honest, I think that the NFL needs to work out the steroids/HGH issue before videotaping is considered a “major problem”…but I’m digressing again.) I’d like to see the Giants win without Tiki Barber, who was a major distraction last year, and without Jeremy Shockey, who will always be a major distraction, but I never have cared much for their receivers. (Burress always let me down in fantasy football.) I’d like to see the Patriots do well with several teams’ “left-overs”, but I’m not at all happy that Jerry Rice’s single season TD record was broken by Randy Moss…and I don’t like the press conference that Randy Moss gave afterward.

So what do I do? I think I should find out more about the other players on each team before I make a decision. Let’s see what I can find.

Oh, here’s an article that will help me make my decision. Don’t worry, it’s nothing weird….well, actually it is.  But you know you’ll click on it anyway.  Just like sheep to the….well, I don’t want to spoil the article for you.

(Article is compliments of ProfootballTalk.com - now you know why I love the site so much.)

Like every other person my age, I have come to realize that my body can no longer process food as rapidly and as forgiving as it once did. At a recent health fair at my work, I was weighed and measured and categorized as “overweight.” Which is odd, because I’ve always considered myself lucky if I didn’t blow away when the wind picked up. At any rate, I have come to a cross-road in my life. Do I make the effort to stay in shape or do I just embrace the effects of time and watch my waist begin to exceed my age?

Well, if I want to stay in shape and maintain this amazing body that I have -wait, is “bean pole” a shape?- I have two options. The first option is to absorb the normal junk that I eat and to make a concerted effort to workout every day and maintain a rigorous training schedule. The second option is to watch what I eat, making sure that I and workout a few times a week…you know, more of a lifestyle change.

I decided to take the best part from both of these options - I eat a bunch of junk and only work-out a few times a week. So really it’s a win-win situation…right?

So I started my moderate workout routine in November and did well all the way through December, but I’ve just started back since I stopped for the Christmas break. The results thus far are that I’ve gained 5 pounds since I started. I must be doing good at my workouts because that’s a lot of muscle to gain. I’m writing all of this so that you can be warned for the next time you see me. Please don’t stare at my massive muscles…it’s a bit embarrassing.

Just for the record, the header of this website was cropped from a picture that I took in April of 2006 when I was on vacation with my wife, oldest daughter (the youngest wasn’t around yet) and the in-laws at Tybee Island. Since we were on the east coast, I’m going to assume that it was a sunrise, but you never can tell.

One of the photos on my flickr page (see the sidebar on the left) was taken at sunrise one morning when I was on the way in to work. If you look closely, you can see the beautiful construction barrels lining the road and the silhouette of a billboard. Ah, the beauty of nature/construction/advertising. It’s like a fresh breath of diesel fuel.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and other random web-type persons, let me welcome you aboard today’s ride. I’m your captain and I’ll be helping you navigate the shallow waters of the thought pool. What’s that? Oh, no, you silly person, we don’t go too deep here…no, there are other blogs and columns that do that. And besides, it’s dangerous out there. We’ll be staying close to the shores.

My hope is that our little adventure will help us all to learn to laugh at ourselves. And by “ourselves” I mostly mean “you” because I don’t want people laughing at me. For those of you snickering in the back, I’ll have you know that Bermuda shorts and a floral-patterned shirts are all the rage in remote villages south of Guatemala. And this tan line on my ankles is actually considered a symbol of royalty.

Now, if you please, make sure that all flotation devices are properly inflated, have your cameras ready, and we’ll get started. If we lose anyone along the way, don’t worry. That’s the reason we stay in the shallow end. (well, that and the fact that I couldn’t find an insurance company that would cover me.)