Shallow Thinker

I was at a grocery store this afternoon and I was fortunate enough to witness this exchange:

Man: (walking up to woman with grocery cart) Excuse me, but did you use to work out at Gold’s Gym?
Woman: I sure did.
Man: I haven’t see you in a while…you still coming?
Woman: No, I let my membership lapse
Man: Well I sure miss seeing you around there.
Woman: (looking flattered) well thank you…

The conversation carried on from there and the two walked together talking in the parking-lot. So why is this conversation important? Two reasons:

(1) This was an excellent pick-up that happened right in front of me. The man used just the right combination of straight-forwardness and restraint. He seemed to be well-versed in the game of dating/pick-ups.
(2) The man was well-versed and well-seasoned because he was over 70 years old and the lady had to have been over 60.

Let this serve as a reminder to all of you young people out there that romance is not dead….it’s just old and hanging-out at Kroger.

If you don’t know me very well, then you might not know how much I love football. Growing-up in a small town with a small school allowed me the opportunity to experience the pains of the gridiron…and I became addicted. The first cool evening in fall always sends my mind back to stepping out onto the freshly-cut field. If given the chance, I’d gladly strap up again.

But nature did not comply with my wishes…I was not given the body to compete at a higher level. Heck, I didn’t really compete where I was, but they let me play nonetheless. As much as I loved it, I knew when I walked off the field in Banks County on a cold Friday night in 1996 that I probably never would get a chance to play again.

But there was one sport in which I could compete. This is what got me hooked on the concept of running for no reason at all. And since I can’t play football, I’ll continue to run…until arthritis takes that from me.

And for reference, this picture was taken 30 pounds ago.

I recently received notice that the Run4Missions website has been updated in preparation for this year’s race. This served as a reminder to me that I’ve been getting a bit out of shape and need to regain my summer body. (Note: Summer body is very similar to Winter body, it just has more sunburn.) You see, it’s tradition, I have to get in shape to run the Run4Missions 5K. I’ve run every single Run4Missions 5K that has been held at Mt. Zion since it was brought over way back in 2006. I’m afraid that if I’m not there as a pillar within the race, it might crumble.

Let’s review. I have to run a race on May 3rd, and I’m out of shape. There’s only one thing to do. I have to get in shape. Well, actually, I could just eat my life away and sign-up as a phantom runner just to get the t-shirt, but I have a small amount of pride. At any rate, my training regimen started, and took a turn for the worse, this past Saturday.

Early in the afternoon, I put on my tight running shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt, and grabbed my Zune so that I could hear some tunes while I pounded the pavement. I started out of the driveway, down the road and a couple of turns later, I was out of the neighborhood.

There I was, happily running down Zebulon Road. I nodded as I encountered walkers, waved occassionally to the passing drivers…it was a good run. And it seemed that it wasn’t as bad as I’d remembered. Maybe I was actually in decent shape. (Must be all that basketball I’ve played on Playstation.) And then I turned the corner. Almost the entire portion of the run leading back to our subdivision was visible. Here’s my thought process:

Wow…I didn’t know that road was so steep….Hold on I’ve been running downhill most of the way thus far. Wait….I’m 2 miles from the house! Hey, did I bring my cellphone so that I can call the wife to pick me up?! Ah, crap, no cellphone…this is not good. I can see wolves off in the distance. Are those buzzards circling overhead? Who tied these cinder blocks to my legs? Can my heart actually fall out of my chest….feels like it could. Why is the world growing cold? Will my family miss me or will they be too busy enjoying the insurance money? If I would have known that lunch was the last meal that I would have with my family, I would have had a second helping…

Somehow, I managed to find my way back home. My legs still haven’t forgiven me for the atrocities that I put them through. All this because I’m too proud to just be a phantom runner? I guess pride really does go before the fall.

By my senior year I’d managed to fill-out a bit more (I’m still #11). Ant truth be told, I wasn’t as small as I look in this picture. The guy standing behind me was actually the biggest guy on the team….honest. Seriously, stop laughing, I wasn’t the puniest guy on the team anymore. It’s the camera angle…

Because we were a relatively small school, I got to see a good amount of playing time. The fact that the team relied on me to fill a starting spot probably speaks volumes as to why we only won one game that year.

One cool thing of note is that #65 and the cheerleader in the middle are married. Well, actually, several people in the picture are married, but they are married to each other. Just think, if we all married our high school sweethearts….I’d still be single. I think girls were intimidated by how much I bulked-up. Look at me…I’m a monster.

Hey, guys, wait up! Can I play football with you?

What’s that? Oh, yeah, I’m old enough….honest. I’m just a bit small for my age. But don’t worry. If we ever play against a team of gerbils, I’ll dominate.

Can I what? Oh, I think I can make the team. See my brother (#19) is a senior and has some pull with the older guys. He even found me this big-boy jersey (#11) and I can almost walk without it hitting the ground. So in no time, I’ll be able to run along side the rest of you! Not to mention that this is a small public school, so the coach won’t cut anyone.

Yeah, yeah, you have a point. I’m not really big. But my friend (#7) and I have this race to see who can weight 100 pounds first and I think that I’ll weigh in next week with my pads still on. That should put me over 90, at least. If I run through a sprinkler and get soaking wet, I might can top 95…

What can I offer the team?  Last year I was a waterboy, so I know the ins-and-outs of the locker room.  So, if one of the waterboys gets hurt, I can step-in and help out.  Oh, and did I mention my brother is a senior?  So when all of you guys  get together and hang out, I can be the little pip-squeak that tags along and you can all use me to attract the ladies.  Because honestly, what girl isn’t attracted to these big mouse ears?

How did you dress when you were younger? Some people were preppy, others grunge. Some casual, others more sporty. Me? I dressed so that I was prepared for anything that could come my way. Check me out…bottom row, blue shirt.

What if a flood comes?
No problem, my pants will not get wet! I’ve made sure that they are just below the knees. They’re just long enough to be called pants, but not quite long enough to be called “jams.”

What if a circus takes over the school?
Again, I have it covered. These pants will allow me to blend-in with the clowns who now rule. That should buy me enough time to find an exit and make a get-away. If they chase me and try to catch me, the stark contrast between my shoes and socks should temporarily blind them leaving me ample time to notify the authorities.

What if you’re called into a business meeting?
If you’ll look a bit closer at the picture, you’ll see that I’m wearing a black belt which is clearly indicative of the fact that while portions of my attire say “party”, I can still fit-in with the suits.

What if your school is taken over by the other school in your district?
Well, there’s nothing I can do about that with my attire. Fortunately, I’m friends with the guy directly behind me…the one with a panther on his shirt. That’s the t-shirt for the other school district. On picture day, he woke up and decided that he’d wear a shirt proclaiming the other school district. What a loser. Clearly, he should have asked me for some fashion advice.

Other Random Observations:

–The girl on the far left of the top row is in no way related to the teacher. I know, I know…same hair color, same hair style, same facial features, but nope….no relation.

–What’s with the guy in the middle’s shoe laces? Red and white laces on the same shoe? Are you made of money? There’s no need to flaunt it, dude.

It’s rare, but occasionally, my wife talks me into going to the doctor. It just so happens that I need to go to a specialist in the upcoming months. Therefore, I have to fill-out a ton of forms about my health history and the history of anyone I’ve seen walking down the street in the past 6 years. Most of the things are “have you ever experienced stomach problems, allergies, blindness, sweating, death, etc”. You know, the standard questions. And to be honest, if I knew half of what they were asking, I don’t think that I’d need to actually be going to a doctor.

<Begin Side Note> We took Butterfly to the doctor over a year ago. She woke-up in the middle of the night with a severe allergic reaction. So, they sent us to an allergist (?). We’re sitting there in the room and he’s asking us questions trying to solve the problem and actually asks “Does she have any food allergies?” I tried really hard not to answer something silly like “Oh yeah, she’s allergic to peanuts, but she sure does love her peanut butter…” What came out was “If I knew that, we wouldn’t be here!” These people went to school for how long? <End Side Note>

At any rate, when filling out the form, I came across one part that made me really wonder if I wanted to consider this doctor. It said “The following line must be filled-out. Please write the name, address and phone number of someone for us to contact in case of emergency.” And below there, was one line to put this information. So, since there’s one line, there’s only space for one person. Let me paint a scenario for you:
There’s a medical emergency at this doctor’s office. So, quickly, they pull my file to see who to contact. There they have my wife’s name, address and phone number.

As the individual who is experiencing the medical emergency, I’m really hoping that they use the phone number instead of the address to contact my wife. Maybe three days later she’ll get a post card that says “Husband has internal bleeding, please come as soon as mail truck arrives…hopefully this message not delayed over a weekend.”

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe this explains the skyrocketing cost of medical care across the US. Every time the post office raises the price of stamps, doctors have to upgrade their emergency contact notification devices.

I use to tell people that I haven’t always been the keen specimen of human conditioning that I am today…but I’m finally able to admit that it is a lie. I have always been a stellar athlete. Check it out:

I am the short, white blur in the middle of the front row. Apparently I didn’t have the arm strength to hold up my certificate, but I was a presidentially fit 5th grader!

Did you guys see it?  The moon was eclipsed.  I was so excited….until I learned what eclipse means.  Apparently, it has nothing to do with the moon turning to cheese.  I’m beginning to thing that my high school science teacher really didn’t earn that degree from the Rhode Island’s Professional Office of Fanciness and Frivolity (RIPOFF).  Next thing you know, somebody is going to disprove his teachings about how the merpeople (as in mermaids and mermen) gave us fire after Columbus discovered their secret lair at Plymouth Rock.

At any rate, I’m tired of all this scheduling mess.  Monday night Football starts in the evening on the east coast and ends after midnight.  That means that the people out in California can watch the game with supper and still get to bed at a decent hour.  But I have to down a few cups of coffee if I want to last to see the stupid half-time show.  It’s the same thing with this eclipse.  It was scheduled for after 10:00 pm on the east coast, but the people on the west coast got to see it at 7:00.  This is not fair at all.  It’s another example of how the people in Hollywood have no respect for the hard working people on the east coast.  Will you work with me and sign my petition?  I knew I could count on you.

It’s no secret. My wive loves chocolate. Our years of marriage have given me a keen insight into her personality. So when I come home from work, I can tell instantly if there’s no more chocolate in the house. (The bite marks on the door are a dead give-away.) Each night she recounts to me the woes of her battle against this sugar-sweetened beast. Sometimes she wins the battle and other times the chocolate wins…which I guess is still a win for her. (Odd….that’s how our arguments turn out, too.)

The smooth lather of cocoa wields no power over me. But there are a handful of items that may cause me to stumble on occasion (meat and cheese…preferably with a smoked flavor), but I generally do pretty well. So what is the secret of my success? What keen insight do I have that allows me to maintain this finely-tune physique?

Laziness - yeah, you heard me. I’m lazy and that’s what keeps me fit. If I’m sitting on the couch thinking, “boy, it sure would be nice to have a bowl of ice cream” then my laziness kicks in and replies “yeah, but it sure would be nice to not get up right now”.

So what if I start working-out on a regular basis again? Exercise is supposed to give you more energy. And if I have more energy, I won’t be as lazy. And if I’m not as lazy, then I’ll probably get up and actually get that bowl of ice cream…which would make me out of shape…and in turn…lazy. So why go through all that trouble to be lazy if I could just be lazy to be lazy? See, it all makes perfect sense!

The only flaw in my plan is when the wife gives me something for my office…like this bag of hickory-smoked beef jerky. But I don’t have to worry about absorbing all of these preservatives and fats. When I’ve finished it off in one sitting and chased it with a couple of Mountain Dews, I’ll applaud myself because self-control and laziness will work together to keep me from going out and buying another bag.

You can’t buy this kind of wisdom, folks…I’m giving it away for free.

If I were a betting man, Las Vegas would prosper on my behalf. I have an amazing ability to support teams that are losers. Well, no, I take that back. “Loser” indicates that they never win. The teams that I support win enough games (usually one or two) to get my hopes up and then they tank it for the remainder of the season.

Let’s take college basketball as an example. When possible, I support my alma mater, Mercer University. Every year, the men’s basketball team shows promise and they occasionally beat a teamthat they have no business playing against (USC was this year’s victim). But when the games really matter….the winning does not occur. I’ve got an agreement with a couple of friends that if Mercer ever makes it to the NCAA tournament, we’ll buy tickets and go watch them. I haven’t had to cancel any plans during March Madness yet.

But football is my passion. And lucky for my blood pressure, Mercer doesn’t have a football team (yet….or anymore…or…ah, whatever). So, I need a football team to support. When I was in college, I decided to throw my valuable half-hearted support to Georgia Tech because they are the only Division I-A engineering school in Georgia. And by definition, since I support them, they continually let me down. Recently they fired their head coach, Chan Gailey. YAY!! And then they hired Paul Johnson, a coach that likes to run the triple option. That’s really helpful if we have to play any teams from 1963. Unfortunately, most of the good players on the team (both of them) aren’t prepared for the rebirth of this antiquated offense, so they’re transferring. They’ll be sorry when Tech flexes its muscle to beat a few division I-AA schools.

I don’t see a national title over the horizon for Tech any time soon. Heck, a bowl game that doesn’t require our players to paint the field before the game or clean-up the trash afterwards would be nice…but still unlikely. So professional football it is!!

No, wait, I support the Falcons. They recently fired their head coach as well, Yay! And then instead of interviewing the best candidate out there, they went ahead and hired someone. Sure, the new guy has the potential to be a great coach, lets do a quick comparison. When his defense played New England, they let Tom Brady start something like 24-for-24 and ended 26-for-28 (these numbers are just estimates based on my faulty memory….I’m too lazy to look up the real stats). The other guy who was out there? His defense almost beat New England the first time they were out there and then actually defeated them in the Super Bowl. Great job on being thorough, Mr. Blank!!

As much as I like to complain, the Falcons are starting to get their act together. They are already getting rid of some of the players that were either over-paid or were beginning to be clubhouse distractions. I wasn’t at all happy with the acquisition of Byron Leftwhich, and it’s good to see the new coach letting him go. But with free agency looming and the draft in a couple of months, I fully expect that they’ll find a way to bring in some players to help them over pay for only a handful of victories. Why? Because that’s the way they roll.

*Picture compliments of www.profootballtalk.com

Happy President’s Day.  I might post something of “quality” later today…well, relatively speaking.  My loyal readers will have to wait in suspense…all four of you.