this guy gives me the willy’sIt’s no secret. My wive loves chocolate. Our years of marriage have given me a keen insight into her personality. So when I come home from work, I can tell instantly if there’s no more chocolate in the house. (The bite marks on the door are a dead give-away.) Each night she recounts to me the woes of her battle against this sugar-sweetened beast. Sometimes she wins the battle and other times the chocolate wins…which I guess is still a win for her. (Odd….that’s how our arguments turn out, too.)

The smooth lather of cocoa wields no power over me. But there are a handful of items that may cause me to stumble on occasion (meat and cheese…preferably with a smoked flavor), but I generally do pretty well. So what is the secret of my success? What keen insight do I have that allows me to maintain this finely-tune physique?

Laziness - yeah, you heard me. I’m lazy and that’s what keeps me fit. If I’m sitting on the couch thinking, “boy, it sure would be nice to have a bowl of ice cream” then my laziness kicks in and replies “yeah, but it sure would be nice to not get up right now”.

lazy is as lazy doesSo what if I start working-out on a regular basis again? Exercise is supposed to give you more energy. And if I have more energy, I won’t be as lazy. And if I’m not as lazy, then I’ll probably get up and actually get that bowl of ice cream…which would make me out of shape…and in turn…lazy. So why go through all that trouble to be lazy if I could just be lazy to be lazy? See, it all makes perfect sense!

The only flaw in my plan is when the wife gives me something for my office…like this bag of hickory-smoked beef jerky. But I don’t have to worry about absorbing all of these preservatives and fats. When I’ve finished it off in one sitting and chased it with a couple of Mountain Dews, I’ll applaud myself because self-control and laziness will work together to keep me from going out and buying another bag.

You can’t buy this kind of wisdom, folks…I’m giving it away for free.