Shallow Thinker

At the beginning of this year, I got hooked on a TV show that was a blast from the 80’s.  On this blog, I documented how much I enjoyed American Gladiators.  I think that a part of the draw is that people sitting at home think “hey, I could do that!”…well, that and the fact that people are getting pummeled.

Unfortunately, as winter ended, so did the season of Gladiators.  This summer, a new season started, but I’ve been highly disappointed.  They’ve altered the show by trying to tell us about the personal lives of the contestants and by adding in some really weird events.  Look NBC, the show worked because of events like Powerball.  You  have people running into each other at full speed.  Knee ligaments were flying into the stands….that’s good fun!  These new events, like the one where you crawl around upside down on a track, are just weird.  And interviews, with the contestants? There’s no threat of bodily harm there…what’s my incentive to watch?

NBC dropped the ball on this new season…but ABC picked it up and ran with it.  ABC’s new show Wipeout is absolutely one of the best things that I’ve seen in a while.  They take the “Hey, I could do that” factor and then mix in a lot of the “bodily harm” that I love so much.  The results are beautiful.  I watched the re-airing of the original episode last night, and at one point I laughed so hard I woke up Ladybug.  Heck, Kelley even giggled a time or two.  (She’s going to claim that she was working on a scrap book, but don’t let her fool you!)

The show seems to be based on a wacky Japanese game show that was picked-up and run by Spike TV.  (Spike TV’s motto is “Guns, Sports, and Sex…in any combination.”) Of course, Spike TV dubbed over the original dialogue and provided some funny commentary.  Similarly, ABC has put John Henson in “the booth” to provide colorful and humorous commentary.

The premise is that contestants have to run through this incredibly hard obstacle course.  The obstacles are falling into water, falling into mud, getting punched into the mud, falling off of big rubber balls into water and finally, swinging into a wall…and falling into water.  Of course, if you were really good, none of these things would happen, but that isn’t near as much fun to watch.  It never fails to make me laugh when these people bounce around like rage dolls and plunge into the water.

Of course, ABC wanted to make sure that they provided ample entertainment.  So, they added more events based on knocking people down or watching them run full speed into stationary objects.  You’d have to be crazy to participate in something like this knowing that the entire nation is hoping you’ll fail.

I know what question your asking yourself and I don’t appreciate the implication.  The answer is Yes, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

*Photos “provided” by their respective broadcast stations.

I’ve never been one to hold tightly to what words mean. For instance, “conservative” means one thing to one group of people and carries a completely different connotation to a different set of folks. Similarly, “liberal” can take on different meanings depending on who is defining the word and what their experience has been. Basically, the word itself isn’t near as important as what the context is and what’s trying to be explained.

With that being said, there are some words that are pretty well defined…or so you’d think.  A recent survey by the Pew Research Center reports that 21% of Athiests believe in God.  6% of Athiest believe in a personal God.  (The poll results are here).

I really don’t think that I can offer any commentary that is funnier that the actual poll results….enjoy!

* Photo from Flickr

Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off staying home instead of going to the doctor.  Don’t get me wrong, I think that my doctors do a great job.  It’s their staff that I worry about.  Back in February, I wrote about a little concern that I had with the doctor’s office.  But I’ve long since forgotten about that…until today.

This morning, I went to the doctor for a check-up after a recent procedure.  As I walked in the door, I spotted the clock and noticed that I was a few minutes early.  So, I signed in, and then went to the restroom.  (The only thing worse than waiting 6 hours for the doctor is doing it on a full bladder and not being able to go because you’re sure that they’re going to call your name any minute now…)  I returned to the waiting room and didn’t even get two paragraphs into the article telling me about the best cured ham in the states when the assistant called me back.

Behind the big door, we walked along the hall.  She pointed me to a room, handed me a cup and said:

“Mr. Land, I need you to provide us with a urine sample.”

Oh my…this is not good.  I obviously wasn’t expecting this.  I took the cup and walked slowly into the bathroom.  My mind raced about how I could do this.  One option was to drink a bunch of water real fast.  I could get the water from the sink, but the only thing I have to scoop it with is….this cup.  Not only do I not want to use the cup to drink out of (obvious resons), but I thought it might throw of the test results.  (“Mr. Land, you’ve tested positive for flouride.”)

I just did my best and managed to squeeze out a sample.  Hopefully this would be enough to run their test.  I thought it would be best if I didn’t open the door and ask the lady if the amount was OK.  I just put the cup into the magical testing cabinet, washed my hands, and left.  I knew that the people on the other side of the wall were probably laughing about how little they had to work with, but I was wondering why I still had that much left in my bladder.

As we walked down the hall, the assistant glanced over my chart.  She pointed me to my room and as I sat down, I heard these comforting words,

“Oh, I’m sorry!  I should have looked at your chart earlier.  We didn’t even need a urine sample from you.”

First, if you screw-up something like that, don’t tell me.  Just go pour the sample out and I’ll never know the difference.  (Or, in my case, wait 15 minutes and all three drops will probably have evaporated.)  But now let’s get to the real issue…She didn’t read my chart?  Are you kidding me!  I’m here at the doctor…don’t you think that an important piece of information would be why I’m here?

To be honest, I’m probably pretty lucky.  There are a lot of other medical mistakes out there that could turn out much worse.  And I’m gullible enough to go along with most of them.  “Hey, they’re doctors.  They know what they’re doing…right?”  I’m just thankful that I she only asked me for a urine sample.  She could have said “Drink this shot of whiskey and bite down on this stick.”  I don’t like the taste of sticks.

Every summer, my employer holds an “Employee Appreciation Luncheon.”  It’s sneaky the way they do it.  Basically, instead of us getting any cool benefits, they give us a free meal. I fall for it every time.  The past few years have been hamburgers and hotdogs of unknown origin.  In order to maximize my company benefits, I’ve consumed as many as possible and I’ve spent the afternoon regretting it.  But this year was different.

Today around 11:00, the smell of Sonny’s Barbecue began to waft through the halls.  The meal wasn’t suppose to start until noon, but the old timers started lining up soon after the sun came up.  Not wanting to be outdone, the rest of us boycotted our work and formed our lines well before the designated time.

I decided a while back that I need to be much more careful what I eat.  My wife and several friends have prodded me into the proper direction and slowly, I’ve begun to slowly shift my dietary habits.  (Last night I even ate squash!)  So here I am, facing a table of pulled pork, smoked chicken, baked beans, cornbread, and some vegetable options that I completely ignored.  What’s right thing to do?  My employer wishes to thank me for another year of employment…I would be remiss if I rebuffed this kind gesture.  I wouldn’t want any bad blood between me and the planners of this great event.  I decided that I should suffer and eat some barbecue.

After I finished my second plate abounding with food, I decided that my employer most likely understood my commitment to our company.  I waddled slowly back to my office and plopped down in my chair.  Now I have to spend the rest of the afternoon fighting this urge to lay back and take a nap.  You know, I sure do devote a lot to this company.  I hope they appreciate the effort I’ve been through today to show my appreciation for their display of appreciation.  The good news in all of this is that my boss ate two plates.  I passed by his office a few minutes ago and his door is shut.  I don’t think he’s on a conference call, either…

I was reading some of the recent news of the NFL and I saw that Jared Lorenzen was released from the NY Giants.  This probably doesn’t mean much to any of you, but I’ve actually followed Jared’s career pretty close since he left the University of Kentucky.  My friend Fadi and I took a trip up to Kentucky when we were in college to spend the weekend with another friend, Seth.  While we were there, we watched UK play South Carolina.  I don’t know why, but since that game, I kept up with Lorenzen in the news.  Today’s news got me to thinking about some other brushes of fame that I have had.  Here are the ones that I can think of:

Tim Wansley

I’ve detailed before about how fortunate I was to play football.  Most of that was due the small size of my school and not the large amount of my talent.  My senior year we played the perennial powerhouse Buford High School.  I don’t remember the exact score, but they trounced us soundly.  On the field was this man among boys.

My recollection of Tim Wansley was one (of many) play where he lined up against me.  He was the receiver and I was the cornerback.  Now, I’m not as stupid as I seem.  I knew that Tim was fast and I knew that the ball would be coming to him on that play.  So, as soon as the ball was snapped, I turned and ran as fast as I could.  Within a split-second, Tim was waiting on me in the end zone with the football.  The sad thing is, I don’t think he even had to try on that play.

Tim went on to play for the University of Georgia and then helped the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win a Superbowl.  I’d like to think that letting him score that touchdown on me helped to boost his confidence and get him to that next level.  Tim is now listed as “inactive” with the Cleveland Browns.  That’s a coincidence…I’m listed as “inactive” in a lot of places.

Corey Smith

I actually went to high school with Corey.  He was a year ahead of me in my sister’s class.  I didn’t know him all that well, but I did have an art class with him.  But even better than that, my next-door neighbor shot him in the eye with a BB gun…how exciting is that?!

At any rate, I didn’t have a clue of anything about Corey until my high school’s 10 year reunion this past fall.  One of the guys told me “Dude, he’s huge.  Look him up on the internet.”  A few weeks later, I remembered our conversation, looked him up, and wouldn’t you know it, the boy is pickin’ guitar and having a good time doing it.  He developed a following among the UGA and college crowd and has grown from there.

While Corey will probably never admit it, I probably had a hand in his success.  By looking across the art room, he probably thought, “I hope I never turn out like that nerd.”  It was this inspiration that gave him reason to strive to accomplish his dreams.

So, those are my brushes with fame.  (Tim and Corey, there’s no need to thank me for my part in your success.  I would have done the same for anyone else.) What about you?  Where have you rubbed elbows with those who are living their 15 minutes?  And please, no stories about mistaking musicians for waiters and ordering them to get you a drink.  That story has been used a thousand times…

A couple of months ago, I did a little experiment to determine how much my driving habits had to do with my gas costs.  By dropping from 80 mph to 70 mph on the interstate and being more careful, I managed to save a grand total of $10 a month.  Not measly, by any means, but also nothing to blog about.  (see, that’s funny because I did blog about it.)

For the past week or two, I’ve altered my driving a little more to see if I can tweak the numbers a little more.  By dropping down to 65 mph on the interstate, my mileage climbs more than the drop from 80 to 70.  By my calculations, I can save around $20 a month by traveling at this reduced speed.  Hey, now we’re talking!

There is this one small problem…driving 65 on the interstate will require me to have my car repainted within the next three months.  There are vehicles blowing by me so fast that the tint is peeling off of my windows.  It is crazy out there.  I’ve even seen some sign language indicating the other driver’s desire to get to know me a little better.  While the invitation is flattering, I’m usually not open to such offers from burly strangers.

But, there are people out there who are crazier than me.  The hypermilers do their best to maximize every drop of fuel in their tank.  The theory is sound and makes sense.  Of course, there are those few who take the concept too far and violate traffic laws.  The main problem, however, is that the theory only applies when one or two are doing it and there’s not much traffic around.  Studies have shown that if more people start adopting these techniques or if the road is crowded, the net savings by this one person is consumed and surpassed by everyone else around that has to adjust their habits.

So, what’s the moral of the story?  Saving money on gas is OK for me to do.  However, you shouldn’t try it nor should you get mad at me for doing it.

Last night I had the opportunity to hang out with some friends from work.  We started off with some amazingly unhealthy food.  I prepared my standard Ro-Tel and Sausage Cheese Dip.  Gary made tater tots and Texas toast.  Becca brought the Nintendo Wii and Brian grilled samon wrapped in bacon.  (Yes, it sounds weird, but it was good.)

We started playing this game called “Boom Blox“.  If I tried to describe it to you, it would sound nerdy and boring and could in no way express to you how much fun it was.  (So, I’ll just try to describe it to you instead.  That way you’ll only think that it’s boring and nerdy…and you’ll have no idea how much fun it really is.)  The game was developed by Steven Spielberg (same one) and is loosely based on the game jenga.  There are other nuances and rules for the different types of games that you can play, but it combines hand-eye coordination with basic physics.  So…yeah, I guess you’re right, it is a nerdy game.  BUT, we did play the game in “Party” mode, so by definition, we were having a party…right?

At any rate, now I have an even more compelling desire to convince Kelley that we need a Wii.  My bullet points of “kids” and “health reasons” haven’t panned out so well.  I think this one will help me with the “educational tool” aspect.  Think she’ll buy it?

We’ve recently hired a new guy at work.  Perhaps “new” isn’t the best descriptor.  He’s an old retired fella that loves to tell stories and occupy your time.  Mind you, he does great work, but he sure can drain the better part of an hour.  Let’s call him “Doug.”  (Because that’s his real name.)

This afternoon, I was inducted into a secret society and I signed the “Doug Pact.”  The rules are pretty simple.  If you notice that “Doug” is in another member’s office, you call that person on the phone with an urgent something.  I had been in the club for less than an hour and I noticed that we had a “situation.”  (Today is National “Use Too Many Quotation Marks” Day).  I ran straight to my office, picked up the phone and, dialed the extension…

Phone Rings

Hello?

Hello, Greg, this is John.  We have a situation with the flux capacitor!  We need you to bring some diodes and perform and analysis on the reverse polarization of the matrix!

Thanks, man.  Um…he left already left.

Perhaps it was a false alarm this time.  But next time…I’ll be ready.

For months, my wife has experienced the joys that a little kiss from little Ladybug can bring.  She’s been a bit reluctant to give her kisses to Daddy, though.  I’ve gotten a few hugs when delivering her from the evil confines of her crib, but the kisses have been sparse.

Yesterday I came home to my usual, glorious fanfare.  Butterfly trumpeted my arrival, Ladybug ran to me for attention, and Kelley sighed for a slight breath of relief.  Seeing that Butterfly was fully engaged with some toy, I swooped Ladybug up and carried her into another room for some devoted attention.  On the way down the hall, she patted my face, gave me a wry grin, and then planted the sweetest little kiss on my face.  I was ecstatic….my little girl truly loves her Daddy!

Within the next five minutes, I watched her kiss a ball, her Pooh-Bear toy, my boots, the couch cover, and even a piece of trash that she found on the floor.  Wow….isn’t it amazing that she just happens to love all that stuff, too!

*Photo provided by Flickr….She’ll probably kiss that, too.

Have you ever tried to communicate with one of those people knows everything, is very confident of this fact, and refuses to hear otherwise?

At work I run into this type pretty regularly. It’s common among a bunch of engineers because we’ve been taught such definitive principles that the conversations are often based on the concept that the correct answer should only be one thing. So, we argue the correct application of physics, or the theoretical affects of thermodynamics. In the end, my workplace is pretty good because most of the people know enough to know that they don’t know enough. Instead of trying to stand their ground, they willingly admit when they begin to get in over their heads. But there are thosefewe who will argue anything and everything because they are fully confident in some piece of knowledge that they have because some random person somewhere down the line told them something….so, it must be true.

Politics brings out even more of these types of people. Experience has taught me that there’s not much of a point in talking politics with people who are firmly-planted into any camp. Sometimes, I like to have an intellectually honest conversation about the pros and cons of the candidates, but I have to steer clear of the know-it-alls. They spout out the pros of their candidate, the cons of the opponent, and declare anything to the contrary as lies. These people have read the pamphlets and know “the facts” because it’s printed on glossy paper…so, it must be true.

The biggest source of know-it-alls, by far, is theology. Church pulpits and pews, atheist gatherings, agnostic discussions, internet forums, and libraries are filled with people who are supremely confident that their answers are correct. When religion is discussed, friendly chats turn into heated debates. Opinions of life-time acquaintances can instantly change based on one’s belief of particular issues. I am constantly amazed at how many people know everything and can conveniently define God. I’m also amazed at how rarely any two of these people ever have the same opinions. But, these people have their interpretations and in most cases, this opinion was dictated to them from behind a wooden pulpit by a man with a tie…so, it must be true.

So what about me? I’m a self-professed shallow thinker. But still, I must have my beliefs, opinions, definitive statements of faith. Here it is. My definitive declaration for all six of my loyal readers (that’s a 50% increase over the past two months!). I am supremely confident that…I don’t have all the answers. When I was younger (because I’m so old now), I thought that there was this certain knowledge out there that I had to obtain and everything would become abundantly clear. If I could just find this mysterious piece of information, I could fully understand all things theological and otherwise. I was sitting in the office of Doctor Shurden one day discussing the concept of knowing definitively what to believe on various issues. At one point, he sat back in his chair and smiled and said “John, the older I get, the less sure I become about some things. But, the more comfortable I am with that.”

It has taken me a while to grasp this concept, but I think I’ve begun to actually embrace it. Dr. Shurden wasn’t telling me that he was comfortable in ignorance. He was telling me that as he learns and experiences more, he begins to realize how much bigger God is…and that’s a comforting concept. After all, what good would God be if we could fully understand Him? The more infinite He becomes, the more amazing his works, his love, and his grace are because they’re focused on such a finite individual such as myself.

What do you think. Is this idea taking the easy way out? Can we actually understand more about God? Am I living with my head in the sand?

excessive barbecue + 90 degree weather + attempting to exercise = not good

excited girls + a nice pool + good friends = a much better end to the day than the middle

Father’s Day weekend was a great weekend. Kelley and I took the girls to a nearby playground on Saturday morning and then to the museum on Saturday afternoon. Butterfly thoroughly enjoyed the museum. She showed me her favorite pieces of art and took her turn at each of the interactive stations that detail the inner workings of the human body. Her ability to process information is amazing. Ladybug took a slightly different approach to the museum. She ran…..and ran…..and ran….and, well, you should have the idea by now.

Sunday morning I got a very thoughtful gift from my wife (and the girls, too!). One of the parts of the gift is a picture that was framed and matted on a matte that was decorated by Butterfly. The picture was taken one day while I was “dancing” with both of the girls in the kitchen. Kelley captured the moment as I was twirling around with one girl on each arm. Their faces are either lit with excitement or pure fear that I’m going to drop them. It’s tough to know the difference.

I tried to exercise on Sunday afternoon, but if you’re any good at math, you should be able to know how that worked out. In the evening, we spent some time in the water and then shared a meal and some quality time with the girls’ adopted grandparents. Mr. Rickie introduced Butterfly to the joys of Lite-Brite…she was enthralled. He also introduced Ladybug to a little stuffed animal. Ladybug loved it so much that she tried to eat it. (She gets that from their mother.) Ms. Sheri, of course, did her part in making sure that the girls received the attention that they deserved…and probably a bit extra for good measure.

It was a good weekend. We should do Father’s Day a little more often…except I’d substitute in a nap during the middle of the day. That equation may work out a little better.

I love to work on the house or in the yard. There’s this feeling of accomplishment when a task is done. I stand back and look at my work and say “eh, not bad.” Prior to taking on a task, my wife never fails to ask “Are you sure you can do this?” And it’s not the supportive type of question. It’s the kind that really says “I don’t want a big hole in my house.” So, finishing a task not only makes me feel good, it gives me a bit of vindication for having my aptitude questioned. Granted, I occassionally give her reason to question, but that is not the point of the post, so please stop dwelling on the negative….hater.

There’s one area that I can not stand to work….in the crawl space. I’d rather work in the hot attic or out in the 103 degree heat more than I would under the cool, damp, dark….scary, spider-laden, death-trap of a crawl space.

Guess what I had to do this past weekend…

I crawled under the house to see what the problem was with the dryer vent. Sure enough, the pipe had worked itself apart. Or maybe it was pulled apart by the monsters that lives under there. As I crawled around trying to find a decent way to approach the pipes, I kept feeling non-existent spiders and bugs crawl over me. After a few minutes, I trained myself to ignore these things that weren’t trying to eat me alive.

At one point, I was sure I heard something behind me, but I kept working. And then, as plain as day, I felt something cold and wet on my leg. This could not be my imagination. I wanted to turn around and see what it was, but I didn’t want to do it so fast that I freaked out this thing and have it bite me. Slowly, I turned and pointed my flashlight into the beady eyes of this massive creature. Pippin lifted his cold nose from my leg, greeted my flashlight by licking my face, and then went back to exploring the dark underground.

As luck would have it, I couldn’t fix the thing without having to go buy some parts from Lowe’s and then crawl back under there again. It’s amazing that is wasn’t quite as scary the second time when I knew that my furry companion was down there with me. I guess that’s why they’re “man’s best friend.” I know my wife certainly wouldn’t have gone under there with me. And even if she did, we’d probably still be under the house with her asking “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”