Shallow Thinker

The internet connection at our house has not been doing too well.  It lags most of the time and then sporadically drops out whenever it feels tired.  It has felt really tired for the past couple of weeks.  For work purposes, this doesn’t bother me a whole lot.  But for play purposes, this kills my XBox gaming.  I’ll be running around in a game and all of a sudden *poof* I am no longer running around in a game.  Or, sometimes the lag gets so bad that I’ll see people on my screen who aren’t really there.  Since I normally play with friends and can talk with them doing the game, I constantly hear “Land…what are you doing?”

I put up with it for a while.  It’s just a game, it doesn’t really matter…right?  Well, that’s what I thought until this past weekend.  I got online and started playing against a bunch of 12 year olds.  This time, though, I was actually winning the game.  The end was in sight.  There in my grasp was VICTORY AND *poof* - “your connection has been lost“.  That’s it…this internet has to be fixed.  Messing with my e-mail and my work is OK, but you  don’t stop me from winning my SILLY GAMES!

I called the technician on Tuesday, he showed up on Wednesday.  The problem seemed to be with our modem, so he swapped it you.  Kelley asked about the price and he said “Oh, it’s free.”

Now wait just a minute….free?  There’s no way it’s free.  You’ll put it on my bill, won’t you?  Oh, I know, you’ll charge me a “small” monthly fee to rent it, I bet.  I don’t know what this guy’s game is but something just isn’t right.  Nothing is free these days.  I don’t like “free”, it’s just not right.

Oh, as a side note, today marks the 1 year anniversary of my free XM radio.  What was supposed to be a 3 month trial subscription has lasted an entire year.  I like free.

This weekend was full of football upsets. USC, UGA, and UF all suffered a defeat. But, perhaps the most stunning upset happened on Sunday afternoon in a field by an old, dirty lake. There, where the weeds brush your knees and the trees crowd your vision, the annual Turkey Bowl was held.  The vibrant, energetic youth of Mt. Zion took on the old, hobbling seniors that call themselves “adults.”

Three years ago, the youth won by one point.  13-14 and it wasn’t as close as the score sounded.  We were outplayed, but lucky enough to get a couple of interceptions.  Two years ago, rain kept the adults from suffering defeat.  Last year, the youth walked away with victory in an overtime thriller of 42-35.  So, naturally, the youth had history on their side.  As did UGA, USC, and UF.

When the final whistle sounded, the adults looked much happier than the previous two years.  28-14 was the final score, but it just doesn’t tell the story the way it should be told.  Here, let me tell it as succinctly as I can:  A Crushing Defense.  A Decent Enough Offense.  Domination throughout the Game.  Oh, and almost three times as many players as what the youth had.  We are old and we are victorious!

As we bring the trophy home, old people everywhere should stand a little taller.  We have looked youth in the eyes and we have said to it “Hey, the referee isn’t paying attention…we’re going to cheat.”  And then we followed through with it…because we’re older and wiser!

Now pardon me as I go ice my knees, take some tylenol, and find the bengay for my back.  I’ll need another year just to recover.

There’s this e-mail going around that says “Hey, just give us all a chunk of the $85B AIG bail out and we’ll all be rich and solve the crisis.”  Sorry, but you’re decimal place is misplaced…just like the apostrophe in this sentence.  It’s a little detail, but it completely changes the message. At any rate, the final number would be $425 per person, not $425,000.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the text:

I’m against the $85 BILLION bailout of AIG. Instead, I’m in favor of giving
$85,000,000,000 to America in a “We Deserve It” dividend.  To make the math
simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide US. citizens, aged
18+.

Our population is about 301 million counting every man, woman and child.
So, 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.  Now, divide 200
million, 18+ adults into $85 billion - that equals $425,000.00 each!   Yes,
my plan is to give that $425,000 to every adult as a “We Deserve It”
dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.  So, let’s assume a tax rate of 30%.
Everyone would pay $127,500.00 in taxes.  That sends $25.5 billion right
back to Uncle Sam!  It also means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in
their pocket.  A husband and wife would have $595,000.00!

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00?

*   Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
*   Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads.
*   Put away money for college – it’ll really be there.
*   Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
*   Buy a new car – create jobs .
*   Invest in the market – capital drives growth.
*   Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves. Enable
deadbeat parents to come clean – or else.

Remember this is for every adult U.S. citizen, 18 and older (including the
folks who lost their jobs at Lehmann Brothers and every other company that
is cutting back) and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it!   Instead of
trickling out a puny $1,000.00  “economic incentive”.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U.S.
citizen!

As for AIG – liquidate it.

*   Sell off its parts.
*   Let American General go back to being American General.
*   Sell off the real estate.
*   Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

We deserve the money and AIG doesn’t.  Sure it’s a crazy idea, but can you
imagine the coast-to-coast block party?!

How do you spell Economic Boom? W-e  D-e-s-e-r-v-e  I-t  d-i-v-i-d-e-n-d!  I
trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion “We
Deserve It” dividend more than do the ‘geniuses’ at AIG or in Washington ,
D.C. .

And remember, my plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion
is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.  Good idea?  I think so.

So to answer the last question of the e-mail.  Good idea?  No…and don’t ever come up with anymore again.  Leave that to the professionals…like me.  Now go get in line to get your rock!

The president (and numerous others) want us to give $700 BILLION dollars to help these poor, pathetic companies that have been cooking their books so that everyone can get nice bonuses.  I can’t confirm this, but I heard somewhere that this equates to $2,300 per person in the United States.  Oh, but don’t worry, some of the money will go to help out people who can’t pay for the mortgages that they never could afford in the first place.  Oh, yeah…I forgot to mention that if we don’t act now, the sky will fall.  It’s true.

Well, I think this plan stinks.  I have a better idea on how to make the money back.

One of these stones could be yours, if the price is right.

We gather all of these CEOs (and other such money-grubbers) and place them in the middle of a field.  We draw a circle around them…let’s say about 100 yards away from them.  Now, the US government will sell you a rock for $1 and you get to throw it at them.  It might be a huge boulder or a tiny pebble, it’s the government, so you never know.  You’d probably want to choose your own rock…that costs $2.  This is crazy, though.  It doesn’t do much good to throw one rock at a time…you’ll want to get about 200 of your closest friends and use the group rate to get a lot of rocks.  To make it fair, these guys get tiny shields to defend themselves, but they can get bigger ones if they pay $1,000 for each additional square inch of coverage.  I’m sure tons of people would travel to see this, thus strengthening the hotels and airline industries.  For those who are unable to travel, live feeds will be on pay-per-view (you know you’d watch).

In no time, we’ll have not only raised enough money to avert the pending economic crisis, but people will have gotten rid of a lot of their hostilities and the world will be a better place.

It’s a good plan.  I wonder if Obama or McCain will appoint me as Treasure Secretary.  Heck, I can’t do much worse than what they have now.

We must lower our dependence on foreign oil.

Who said it?  Answer: Every politician running for office.  Each has a specific plan for how to achieve that goal and don’t you worry, because none of them will affect you, Mr/Mrs Voter.  No sir, this politician will do it all and you won’t have to pay a dime.

I’m not an economist.  And, as much as I’d like to be the President without putting any effort into it, I doubt that I’ll get elected.  That scratches politician off of the list of things that I am.  So, going into this post, you immediately know that I have no basis on which to build my theory…but that won’t stop me from trying.

Let’s assume for a moment that we all want to lessen our dependency on foreign oil.  How do we do it?  Drill more?  Refine more?  Burn coal more?  I have an idea…but it ain’t pretty.

Did you know that I can put captions on a picture?

Part 1: Let’s start with a look at automakers.  Simple economics indicates that automakers will not make any drastic increases in fuel efficiency unless the market requires them to.  Research and development is an expensive process.  If consumers are continuing to feed high amounts of profit based on technology that is decades old, then why change?  (answer: they don’t…obviously)  The government is forcing automakers to take small steps to increase fuel economy, but they’ll only do the minimum required to meet the regulations or maybe just a bit more to gain market share.  If we (Americans) want to see cars that get exponentially higher mileage, the we (the consumers) have to demand it by using our wallets.  Companies will continue to meet the government minimum if we keep buying the government minimum.  So here’s your obvious step that most people would agree on…don’t buy crap.  Demand something better.  But this one is tough to make happen.  Unless you incorporate part 2…

Seriously...any picture I want. I just type, type, type, and Voila, captions appear. I wish I would have figured this out earlier...

Part 2: We completely eliminate any concept of controlling gas prices.  Let those prices skyrocket, baby!  Before anyone complains too much about “rights” I should point out that there is no constitutional right to affordable gas.  But what about the poor, the needy, the 1974 Chevrolet trucks…how will we afford gas for all of these?  You won’t.  And that is the key.  If the government steps in and makes gas “affordable” then there’s no financial incentive for the average person to conserve.  Sure, some will do it out of environmental consciousness, but for most, if it’s not a pain in their pocketbook, it won’t bother them to waste.  If gas prices start to get higher and higher, then most people will be forced to conserve.  At a minimum, people will begin evaluating and modifying their driving habits.  Realistically, consumers will start to make a push for higher-efficiency vehicles and/or alternate fuel vehicles.  Then, all of a sudden, we have the ears of the automakers.  As higher-efficiency or alternate fuel vehicles roll out to the masses, demand will drop and as a result so will the gas prices.

But here’s the rub…there has to be a short-term period where people expect to have higher gas prices.  If gas were to go up to $8 a gallon, there would be a humongous outcry from the public.  “I WANT MY CHEAP GAS!”  No, what you want is to pay less for your commute.  There are ways to do that without paying fewer dollars per gallon.  (Be creative…I’ll bet you can figure a few out all by yourself.)  If gas prices increase enough, American consumers will become less dependent of foreign oil out of financial necessity.

My problem recently has been the fact that the politicians have all said that we need to be less dependent on foreign oil, and they’ve turned around and talked about decreasing gas prices.  NO!  You’re shooting yourself in the foot.  Let the prices go up and watch the entrepreneurs come out of the woodwork to find a way to help us out.

So waddya say?  Who’s with me?!  Who wants to pay more for gas so that we can pay less for gas?!!

I also have an idea on how we can get out of this economic crisis that we’re in now, but you might be able to figure out where I’m headed with it.

*Images from Flickr.com

Here’s the list and the results:

Friday Evening
-Cut the grass (Moved to Saturday)
-wire an attic exhaust fan (Didn’t even get close to it)
+ Worked late
+ Supper with conversation (My friends Rickie and Sheri had pity on me and let me eat supper with them.)
- go listen to my friend Rob and his band “Deacons of Disaster” at CJ’s (but I left at halftime because I’m old and curmudgeonly)

Saturday
-make a video for church to show on Sunday morning (This actually took much longer than I thought it would.  Apparently my source video was in the wrong format, so I had to start from scratch and go take my own pictures.  See the post below for the cinematic masterpiece)
-clean the past year’s worth of yard debris (It’s been there for a year…what’s another year’s worth of waiting?)
-construction project to fit a freezer in our closet (I didn’t get to start until about 8:30, but the Georgia game kept me company while I worked)
-yard work to remove pebbles and put down stepping stones (moved to Sunday afternoon)
-try to watch a little football when I sit down for a breather (I did watch a little, so that counts)
-repair a few random holes that I’ve put into walls (the holes are still around)
+ Eat Barbecue (this wasn’t originally on the list, but it is noteworthy.)

Sunday
-Rest (slept until 7:30!)
+ clean an entire room (granted, I only cleaned it by moving all the stuff into another room, but it still looked better than when I started.)
-Gather with some college friends for a birthday party (over 6 TV screens in one house for Halo 3…fun doesn’t begin to describe it.)
+ yardwork to put down stepping stones (I only did about 25% of this work, but I did do some of it)
- welcome Kelley and the girls home in the evening (check)
- watch the sunset on the perfect weekend (too cloudy)

While I enjoyed getting some work done, I did miss my girls.  It was great to walk in the door and hear two little ones chattering away.  Butterfly and I spent some time outside on Sunday afternoon just running around and being silly.  At one point we “played a game” that involved her sitting in the wheel-barrow and me pushing her around.  Somehow I lost a turn.  Butterfly and Kelley headed off to choir at church while Ladybug and I stayed at home and played.  We dumped out every toy we could find and messed up the one room that I cleaned.

At bedtime, Kelley allowed me to put both girls to bed so that I could squeeze in a few extra minutes with them.  After they drifted off to sleep, we accomplished the rare feat of sitting and talking to each other.  We might have to try that again in another couple of years.

This is the video that will be shown before the sermon this morning. See if you can guess the topic of the sermon.

No, the topic isn’t “excellent photography skills by John”, but that’s a good guess.

This weekend is an odd occurrence.  Kelley has decided to take the girls to visit her parents and has left me behind.  I think that she would prefer me to go, but there are a couple of engagements that I have that prevent me from being able to go.  As of 4:20pm on Friday, I have cleared out all of the work that was looming over my weekend and I’m looking out over an open schedule.  Of course, I’m still on the hook if the boss calls me, so I’m not out of the woods, but if everything continues as it is now, I can get some stuff done.  Here’s the plan:

Friday Evening
-Cut the grass
-wire an attic exhaust fan
-go listen to my friend Rob and his band “Deacons of Disaster” at CJ’s

Saturday
-make a video for church…it’s supposed to show on Sunday.  I should probably start soon.
-clean the past year’s worth of yard debris
-construction project to fit a freezer in our closet
-yard work to remove pebbles and put down stepping stones
-try to watch a little football when I sit down for a breather
-repair a few random holes that I’ve put into walls (it’s a hobby)

Sunday
-Rest
-Gather with some college friends for a birthday party
-welcome Kelley and the girls home in the evening
-watch the sunset on the perfect weekend.

That’s what I hope will happen.  Here’s what I expect to happen.

Friday Evening
-get supper
-sit on the couch
-fall asleep early

Saturday
-cut the grass
-get an e-mail from the boss about work
-work from mid-morning through the evening
-eat supper (something fast, greasy, and heart-attack inducing)
-remember video and work until midnight to make it
-forget to save, computer crash, scream at empty house

Sunday Morning, Early
-in the wee hours of the morning, redo Video
-take video to church with coffee and little sleep
-go back home, do more work
-Greet Kelley and the girls when they come home in the evening
-wonder what happened to the weekend

So there it is. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?  Want to come over and watch?

*EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s now 4:45 (11 minutes after I originally posted this) and I didn’t sneak out of the office soon enough…I got pulled in to do some more work. *sigh* I sure wish someone would go cut my grass…hint, hint.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to be an engineer anymore.  The past few weeks have been a warp speed and the outlook for the weekend isn’t spectacular.  So, I’m putting my faith in you guys to make me president.  If for some reason America wises up to me and the presidency doesn’t pan out, here are some other options that I’ll consider:

• Movie Star - one of the rich ones, though.  Not one of those struggling-to-make-a-dime types.
• Football Announcer - I’m constantly amazed at how stupid sports announcers are.  I could get paid to be that stupid.
• Not a Football Coach - Ever notice how college & NFL coaches get a job paying them tons of money?  Inevitably, they stink and the organization pays them a massive buyout to not coach anymore.  They could pay me a lot less to not coach their team.  If they need some proof that I’m worthy of not coaching, then I don’t mind running the program into the ground, but they’d be a lot better off taking my word for it.  Since most buyouts are in the range of the millions, I offer my non-coaching services for $450,000 a year.
• Not a CEO - same explanation as above, but with my inability to handle funds instead of handle footballs.  Salary is commensurate with the company’s available funds.
• Professional Athlete - I have the body for it.  I might as well have the cash.
• Retired Millionaire - This one is my preference.  I’m not sure how to get into this field, but it definitely sounds like the job for me.

So there are my ideas.  Got any other ones that you think I could do better?

Since I threw my hat in the ring, I decided to expand a little on my political platform so that when you all write-in my name, you’ll know what you are getting.  It seems only fair. I looked through the headlines on some news websites and picked a few recent topics for discussion.

Tax Cuts – For
I’m in favor of cutting taxes. Don’t worry, though, I’m only going to cut them for the people who like me and support me. So, you better get on board now, or I’ll remember it when I’m making my decisions and I’ll raise yours.  My spending policies will be discussed later.

Iraq – Against
There seems to be a lot of trouble over there, so I’m against Iraq. Let’s just move the people somewhere else and do away with it. If you can’t play nice, then I’ll have to take the territory away and no one can have it.

Price of Gasoline - For
I think that we definitely have to have a price on gasoline. Otherwise it would be free, and that would not only put a lot of people out of work, but it would promote wasteful use.

Foreign Policy – For
I am definitely in favor of a foreign policy. At the heart of the matter, we have to realize that the creation of foreign policies gives us a good reason to eat meals from foreign countries. I’ll definitely spend a lot of time working on a policy for China because there are so many things to eat at those restaurants. Mexico will obviously get some nods. India, however, will only be evaluated once a month…at the most. I can’t handle that food very often. Countries that serve monkey brains will not be included in my policy.

Disaster Relief - Against
Now, before you go getting all angry, let me explain my position.  I’m against disaster relief because I don’t think that we should have disasters.  Yeah, you read it correctly.  I’ll pass legislation to prevent disasters.  Think that’s a stupid promise?  Go ahead and try to make a disaster on my watch and see what happens.

So there are a few of my policies.  If there’s something that you really want to know about, please feel free to ask.  It can be as specific or as general as you desire.  It doesn’t matter because I’ll answer itby accusing my opponents of random things and then taling about something else that I think is more important than your question.  Oh, and keep ‘em nice because you don’t want to get on my bad side…the tax penalty for that is excessive.

Tuesday morning (I think) I started down the road to work and realized that I needed gas.  After fueling, I used a couple of back roads so that I could catch all the right lights.  As my car idled at a stop sign, I heard what sounded like a flat tire rolling down the road.  (you know, the flop-flop-flop-flop sound.) Sure enough, just off to the side, a car was pulling over.  A young-ish lady stepped out, inspected her tires, and threw her hands up.

Normally, I try not to judge people by what I see, but my observation skills went into overdrive.  The lady was reaching for her young boy in the back seat and not a cell phone.  The car was at least 10-15 years old and her clothes indicated that she wouldn’t be going into the office today.  (is that a nice way of putting it?)  It looked like they were about to go find a phone or help.  My initial assessment was that this lady wasn’t well off and that she probably wouldn’t be getting any help in the next few minutes. I drove over, let them use my phone, and ended up helping put the spare tire on.

For the little boy, this seemed to be more of an adventure than a trouble.  He stuck his head out the window and when he felt a rain drop, he informed me that his dad can’t work when it rains.  His mother felt the need to explain that the father is a painter…and he gets paid under the table…and they’re separated, and her brother is off work today but wasn’t answering his phone which means that he’s probably at the neighbor’s house so she tried calling her mom whom she lives with now but her mom didn’t answer but it didn’t matter if she could because she has trouble getting around.  I nodded as well as I could while getting my hands dirty.

After I learned more about the family (and its various extensions), the spare tire was put in-place and I advised the woman to drive slowly until the original tire was replaced and installed.  I thought about giving them some money to help with the repair, but I never have cash.  Then I thought that maybe I could just give her my business card and have the service company call me and I’d take care of it…but I couldn’t figure out how to do that without seeming like a pervert or some guy who was trying to pick up any woman on the side of the road that he could.  Not to mention, up to this point, I still maintained my anonymity.  One of the neat things about being a good Samaritan is that they don’t have a clue who I am.  It helps a little with the “pass it on” concept.

I ended up just bidding them farewell and went on my way as a nameless guy who happened along.  I’d even forgotten about the whole thing…right up until this morning. (REMINDER HERE)  It appears as though Tony Romo (if you don’t know who he is then it won’t matter to you) stopped and helped some people change a tire.  During the process, the motorists recognized him and celebrated accordingly.  I wondered for a second why the lady I helped didn’t recognize me for my world-famous design skills, but apparently she’s not one of my 5 loyal blog readers.  (Lucky her)

And then it hit me.  In the grand scheme of the universe, this all fits together.  This happened all for a reason.  It happened to teach me (and all of you, too) that I am just like Tony Romo!  He helps people, I help people.  Romo is a superstar, I’m a superhero.  He’s the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, I played quarterback for a flag-football team in college.  His team made the playoffs under his leadership, my team made it to the playoffs after I was taken off the field due to an injury.  He’s making millions of dollars doing what he loves, I’m making some money and I love my wife.  See, we’re virtually indistinguishable.

If any of you would like my autograph, I’ll be more than happy to oblige.

Sometimes you read a story and can only think “WOW”.  This is one of those examples:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/09/10/rescue.at.sea/index.html