The president (and numerous others) want us to give $700 BILLION dollars to help these poor, pathetic companies that have been cooking their books so that everyone can get nice bonuses.  I can’t confirm this, but I heard somewhere that this equates to $2,300 per person in the United States.  Oh, but don’t worry, some of the money will go to help out people who can’t pay for the mortgages that they never could afford in the first place.  Oh, yeah…I forgot to mention that if we don’t act now, the sky will fall.  It’s true.

Well, I think this plan stinks.  I have a better idea on how to make the money back.

One of these lovely stones could be yours, if the price is right.

One of these stones could be yours, if the price is right.

We gather all of these CEOs (and other such money-grubbers) and place them in the middle of a field.  We draw a circle around them…let’s say about 100 yards away from them.  Now, the US government will sell you a rock for $1 and you get to throw it at them.  It might be a huge boulder or a tiny pebble, it’s the government, so you never know.  You’d probably want to choose your own rock…that costs $2.  This is crazy, though.  It doesn’t do much good to throw one rock at a time…you’ll want to get about 200 of your closest friends and use the group rate to get a lot of rocks.  To make it fair, these guys get tiny shields to defend themselves, but they can get bigger ones if they pay $1,000 for each additional square inch of coverage.  I’m sure tons of people would travel to see this, thus strengthening the hotels and airline industries.  For those who are unable to travel, live feeds will be on pay-per-view (you know you’d watch).

In no time, we’ll have not only raised enough money to avert the pending economic crisis, but people will have gotten rid of a lot of their hostilities and the world will be a better place.

It’s a good plan.  I wonder if Obama or McCain will appoint me as Treasure Secretary.  Heck, I can’t do much worse than what they have now.