Published by JPLand on 16 Sep 2008 at 10:21 am
Political Leanings
Since I threw my hat in the ring, I decided to expand a little on my political platform so that when you all write-in my name, you’ll know what you are getting. It seems only fair. I looked through the headlines on some news websites and picked a few recent topics for discussion.
Tax Cuts – For
I’m in favor of cutting taxes. Don’t worry, though, I’m only going to cut them for the people who like me and support me. So, you better get on board now, or I’ll remember it when I’m making my decisions and I’ll raise yours. My spending policies will be discussed later.
Iraq – Against
There seems to be a lot of trouble over there, so I’m against Iraq. Let’s just move the people somewhere else and do away with it. If you can’t play nice, then I’ll have to take the territory away and no one can have it.
Price of Gasoline - For
I think that we definitely have to have a price on gasoline. Otherwise it would be free, and that would not only put a lot of people out of work, but it would promote wasteful use.
Foreign Policy – For
I am definitely in favor of a foreign policy. At the heart of the matter, we have to realize that the creation of foreign policies gives us a good reason to eat meals from foreign countries. I’ll definitely spend a lot of time working on a policy for China because there are so many things to eat at those restaurants. Mexico will obviously get some nods. India, however, will only be evaluated once a month…at the most. I can’t handle that food very often. Countries that serve monkey brains will not be included in my policy.
Disaster Relief - Against
Now, before you go getting all angry, let me explain my position. I’m against disaster relief because I don’t think that we should have disasters. Yeah, you read it correctly. I’ll pass legislation to prevent disasters. Think that’s a stupid promise? Go ahead and try to make a disaster on my watch and see what happens.
So there are a few of my policies. If there’s something that you really want to know about, please feel free to ask. It can be as specific or as general as you desire. It doesn’t matter because I’ll answer itby accusing my opponents of random things and then taling about something else that I think is more important than your question. Oh, and keep ‘em nice because you don’t want to get on my bad side…the tax penalty for that is excessive.
Sarah on 16 Sep 2008 at 4:20 pm #
I will totally write you in on my ballot…
Alana on 16 Sep 2008 at 5:37 pm #
Thank God! Finally someone who can really bring people together! If the Republicans can’t get behind this plan for change, then it really will be clear that they don’t care about the common folk. I mean, how much more common can you get than John? It’s got to be one of the most common names out there.
JPLand on 16 Sep 2008 at 8:01 pm #
Common….Average….Mundane. All of these are words that I embrace and ideals that I strive for. If elected president, I will strive to obtain mediocrity. I will not only be ordinary, I will be more ordinary than any other candidate. I will be extra ordinary.
Empress Katie on 17 Sep 2008 at 4:26 pm #
That totally convinces me. John, you are my candidate of choice. So long, Obama! John Land has the Right Hand for the job!
Do you like my slogan?
Amanda on 17 Sep 2008 at 5:04 pm #
I’m even more convinced now! Love the policies. One question however, how much of a raise will you be giving teachers and mothers? Something to think about
Alana on 17 Sep 2008 at 6:23 pm #
Yeah! And when I get sick, I want health care. I’ll come to your house if necessary.
Amanda on 17 Sep 2008 at 8:09 pm #
Yeah! I’m with Alana but I want House Calls!!
Sarah on 17 Sep 2008 at 8:14 pm #
And free Moe’s on a weekly basis…
JPLand on 17 Sep 2008 at 9:19 pm #
Katie,
The slogan could use a little work, but your heart is in the right place. I definitely think that the First Lady-in-Law could find a spot in my administration. I’ll have to look into it, and congressional hearings are most likely required, but I think you’ll serve your country well in the Ministry of Magic.
Amanda and Alana,
I am very disappointed in the two of you. Here I am, giving of myself, sacrificing, so that I can be the leader of the free world and all you two want to do is think of yourselves. “I want…”, “What’s in it for me?” That’s just petty, and frankly, I’m ashamed that I had to see it.
That being said, you bring up a couple of interesting points. I will do my best to address your concerns with another post that expands my platform. But please, for the sake of our country, try to think of others and what you can give to them. Specifically, think of what you can give to my campaign.
Sarah,
Moe’s is quite tasty, so I can understand your request. I will give you a hint regarding that aspect and it has to do with benefits for my cabinet members.
Amanda on 18 Sep 2008 at 4:51 am #
I wasn’t just thinking of me. I was thinking about those single moms out there that could use the help. I’m loving the policy on Iraq. If you don’t win the election, you should definetly submit a proposal. It seems only fair. As for foreign policies - don’t forget the Italians or French. They do have good pizza and fries!
Empress Katie on 18 Sep 2008 at 3:20 pm #
The Ministry of Magic is definitely the place for me. And as for the slogan, there just aren’t many words that rhyme with Land. Hand, band, sand, and, bland, brand, gland, grand, stand, strand, command, demand, expand, understand….. Ok, so maybe there’s more than i thought. I’ll get right on a better slogan.
Amanda on 18 Sep 2008 at 7:14 pm #
How about this for the slogan?
Vote for Land…..he understands!
JPLand on 18 Sep 2008 at 8:49 pm #
Let’s be careful. I don’t want people to get the impression that I care. If that happens, they’ll expect stuff from me once elected. I can’t have that. This is supposed to be my gravy train job, not something that makes me worry about others.
I need a slogan that’s cool enough to get me elected, but vague enough to not haunt me. Something like “The promise of tommorow in your hands today. Land ‘08″
Empress Katie on 20 Sep 2008 at 9:53 pm #
John Land: Saving the world with strategery and lock boxes.