For those who see this feed on facebook, you may already know about Virus Ham.  For the other 1.4 of my readers that see the blog, I will spin you a tale of sickness and family.  Grab the edge of your desk because you may just fall out of your seat.  It’s that riveting.  Or maybe it’s long enough to put you to sleep.  Either way…

We traveled around a bit during the holidays.  One of the fun events for my wife’s side of the family was jammed into the visit that we had with my parents.  On Saturday, we left my parents’ house in the afternoon and drove about an hour to Kelley’s uncle’s house.  When we arrived, we greeted her aunt, greeted a few other party guests, and then released our girls to run about with Kelley’s wonderfully-sweet cousin.  After a little while, I noticed that her other two cousins weren’t around.  I used my keen communication skills to ask “Hey, where are the other two?” The response started a wave of amazingly-awkward, hushed conversations around the house.

“They’re sick.”

Apparently both had come down with a stomach bug earlier in the day.  Oh great.  There’s a stomach bug going around.  But at least the sick ones were quarantined.  Right?  About 15 minutes later, Kelley’s uncle got sick.  The same uncle that we all shook hands with and had been talking to earlier.  Oh boy.  Her aunt had spent all afternoon preparing a wonderful spread.  What should we do?

While I was piling my plate high with food, I reasoned to everyone that if we were going to get the virus, we probably already had it.  Kelley noted that having a stomach virus would help negate some of the bad eating that we had been doing.  While there was a slight uneasiness during the meal, I think that most of the family understood that we were all doomed.  Kelley’s dad noted that it would be better to be sick on a full stomach so that we didn’t get the dry heaves.  I was instructed by my wife that I should not compliment her aunt by saying “This food is excellent.  You can’t even taste the virus!”  (She doesn’t ever let me have any fun.)

We returned to my parents’ house for another night of sleep.  The next day, we were still fine and were rationalizing that maybe we were OK after all.  I even helped prepare some of the ham for lunch.  And then we got a call.  Kelley’s aunt had gotten sick after we left.  The same aunt that prepared all the food.  We’ve got everything that she’s got.  Like any good son would do, I informed my parents of the change in situation.  My dad had the nerve to accuse me that I was making it all up just so I could take home some of my mom’s ham.  I told him that it was all true and that it was up to him if he ate the Virus Ham* or not.  I also informed my mom that I would be more than willing to remove the offending food from her house.  Because I’m a good son.  Since I got my approach to food from my dad I knew that he wasn’t going to give up on it that easy.  So, for lunch we all ate virus ham.

I am happy to report that it has been more that 48 hours since we ate with the sick ones and we have shown no signs of sickness.  After hearing more from Kelley’s family, it’s starting to sound like they had some bad food the day before we arrived.  Yay food poisoning!  I’m also happy to report that I have a pile of Virus Ham that my mom sent home with me.  And no, you can’t have any.  Get your own sickness-laden meat.

*Virus Ham is a trademarked name and can only be used with the expressed, written consent of me.  Or if you can use it to get a laugh.  Or if you’re bored and need a conversation starter.  Or if you have a sad enough life to want to use a term that I created.