Shallow Thinker

I’m not very good with the guitar.  I know a lot of people who are much better than I am….but that doesn’t stop me from playing when I get a chance.  I am fortunate to have a wife that not only sings beautifully, but indulges my acoustic needs.

Last week, Kelley was asked to sing and was forced into using me as the background noise.  For those of you who are interested, I’ve attempted to upload the mp3 so that you can listen to it.  Here’s Kelley singing Remember Your Chains from Steven Curtis Chapman’s album Heaven in the Real World.  No reverb, retouching, or digital mastering.  Just a recording straight from a church soundboard.

Remember Your Chains (click it to hear it)

Should any representatives of Steven Curtis Chapman come across this page, I humbly request that you update your website with contact information.  The usage agreement on songs says to use the “contact page” to obtain permission, but there’s no link on the site, I couldn’t pull it up by fishing for the web page, and all of my e-mails came back as undeliverable.  So….um….I hope you’re not mad at me or anything.  If you are mad, I hereby volunteer to jam with Mr. Chapman.  I hope he can hang with me, though.

At the beginning of this year, I got hooked on a TV show that was a blast from the 80’s.  On this blog, I documented how much I enjoyed American Gladiators.  I think that a part of the draw is that people sitting at home think “hey, I could do that!”…well, that and the fact that people are getting pummeled.

Unfortunately, as winter ended, so did the season of Gladiators.  This summer, a new season started, but I’ve been highly disappointed.  They’ve altered the show by trying to tell us about the personal lives of the contestants and by adding in some really weird events.  Look NBC, the show worked because of events like Powerball.  You  have people running into each other at full speed.  Knee ligaments were flying into the stands….that’s good fun!  These new events, like the one where you crawl around upside down on a track, are just weird.  And interviews, with the contestants? There’s no threat of bodily harm there…what’s my incentive to watch?

NBC dropped the ball on this new season…but ABC picked it up and ran with it.  ABC’s new show Wipeout is absolutely one of the best things that I’ve seen in a while.  They take the “Hey, I could do that” factor and then mix in a lot of the “bodily harm” that I love so much.  The results are beautiful.  I watched the re-airing of the original episode last night, and at one point I laughed so hard I woke up Ladybug.  Heck, Kelley even giggled a time or two.  (She’s going to claim that she was working on a scrap book, but don’t let her fool you!)

The show seems to be based on a wacky Japanese game show that was picked-up and run by Spike TV.  (Spike TV’s motto is “Guns, Sports, and Sex…in any combination.”) Of course, Spike TV dubbed over the original dialogue and provided some funny commentary.  Similarly, ABC has put John Henson in “the booth” to provide colorful and humorous commentary.

The premise is that contestants have to run through this incredibly hard obstacle course.  The obstacles are falling into water, falling into mud, getting punched into the mud, falling off of big rubber balls into water and finally, swinging into a wall…and falling into water.  Of course, if you were really good, none of these things would happen, but that isn’t near as much fun to watch.  It never fails to make me laugh when these people bounce around like rage dolls and plunge into the water.

Of course, ABC wanted to make sure that they provided ample entertainment.  So, they added more events based on knocking people down or watching them run full speed into stationary objects.  You’d have to be crazy to participate in something like this knowing that the entire nation is hoping you’ll fail.

I know what question your asking yourself and I don’t appreciate the implication.  The answer is Yes, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

*Photos “provided” by their respective broadcast stations.

I was reading some of the recent news of the NFL and I saw that Jared Lorenzen was released from the NY Giants.  This probably doesn’t mean much to any of you, but I’ve actually followed Jared’s career pretty close since he left the University of Kentucky.  My friend Fadi and I took a trip up to Kentucky when we were in college to spend the weekend with another friend, Seth.  While we were there, we watched UK play South Carolina.  I don’t know why, but since that game, I kept up with Lorenzen in the news.  Today’s news got me to thinking about some other brushes of fame that I have had.  Here are the ones that I can think of:

Tim Wansley

I’ve detailed before about how fortunate I was to play football.  Most of that was due the small size of my school and not the large amount of my talent.  My senior year we played the perennial powerhouse Buford High School.  I don’t remember the exact score, but they trounced us soundly.  On the field was this man among boys.

My recollection of Tim Wansley was one (of many) play where he lined up against me.  He was the receiver and I was the cornerback.  Now, I’m not as stupid as I seem.  I knew that Tim was fast and I knew that the ball would be coming to him on that play.  So, as soon as the ball was snapped, I turned and ran as fast as I could.  Within a split-second, Tim was waiting on me in the end zone with the football.  The sad thing is, I don’t think he even had to try on that play.

Tim went on to play for the University of Georgia and then helped the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win a Superbowl.  I’d like to think that letting him score that touchdown on me helped to boost his confidence and get him to that next level.  Tim is now listed as “inactive” with the Cleveland Browns.  That’s a coincidence…I’m listed as “inactive” in a lot of places.

Corey Smith

I actually went to high school with Corey.  He was a year ahead of me in my sister’s class.  I didn’t know him all that well, but I did have an art class with him.  But even better than that, my next-door neighbor shot him in the eye with a BB gun…how exciting is that?!

At any rate, I didn’t have a clue of anything about Corey until my high school’s 10 year reunion this past fall.  One of the guys told me “Dude, he’s huge.  Look him up on the internet.”  A few weeks later, I remembered our conversation, looked him up, and wouldn’t you know it, the boy is pickin’ guitar and having a good time doing it.  He developed a following among the UGA and college crowd and has grown from there.

While Corey will probably never admit it, I probably had a hand in his success.  By looking across the art room, he probably thought, “I hope I never turn out like that nerd.”  It was this inspiration that gave him reason to strive to accomplish his dreams.

So, those are my brushes with fame.  (Tim and Corey, there’s no need to thank me for my part in your success.  I would have done the same for anyone else.) What about you?  Where have you rubbed elbows with those who are living their 15 minutes?  And please, no stories about mistaking musicians for waiters and ordering them to get you a drink.  That story has been used a thousand times…

Last night I had the opportunity to hang out with some friends from work.  We started off with some amazingly unhealthy food.  I prepared my standard Ro-Tel and Sausage Cheese Dip.  Gary made tater tots and Texas toast.  Becca brought the Nintendo Wii and Brian grilled samon wrapped in bacon.  (Yes, it sounds weird, but it was good.)

We started playing this game called “Boom Blox“.  If I tried to describe it to you, it would sound nerdy and boring and could in no way express to you how much fun it was.  (So, I’ll just try to describe it to you instead.  That way you’ll only think that it’s boring and nerdy…and you’ll have no idea how much fun it really is.)  The game was developed by Steven Spielberg (same one) and is loosely based on the game jenga.  There are other nuances and rules for the different types of games that you can play, but it combines hand-eye coordination with basic physics.  So…yeah, I guess you’re right, it is a nerdy game.  BUT, we did play the game in “Party” mode, so by definition, we were having a party…right?

At any rate, now I have an even more compelling desire to convince Kelley that we need a Wii.  My bullet points of “kids” and “health reasons” haven’t panned out so well.  I think this one will help me with the “educational tool” aspect.  Think she’ll buy it?

Sometimes you look around and realize how much of an old fuddy-dud you’re becoming. I had this revelation Saturday night. It wasn’t anything as ludicrous as bird watching, but it was close. Kelley and I had put the girls to bed and were settling down to just relax. We couldn’t decide on a movie to watch or a game to play, so I started rifling through our vast DVD collection. After eliminating the Harry Potter and Johnny Depp movies, we were left with 4 selections. The only one we hadn’t seen yet was March of the Penguins. So what does an old couple do on Saturday night? They watch it….and they like it. This movie is simply a narrated view at the mating season of the penguins. You’d think that this would be boring…and it probably is, but that didn’t stop us from enjoying it.

First, the whole thing is narrated by Morgan Freeman. I listened intently to every word in hopes that he’d slip in some line about Andy Dufresne. He didn’t. It would have been cool if he did, though.

Next, these things are hilarious. I knew about their silly little waddle, but I had no idea that they had a funny honk, too. Who knew that Pingu was so well based on fact?! (he’s starting to make a comeback, by the way.) At any rate, whoever thinks that God doesn’t have a sense of humor has clearly never watched penguins. Of course, Kelley and I spent most of the movie adding in our own dialogue for what the penguins were saying to each other. We’re cool like that.

And finally, we got a little education. There’s a lot about penguins that we didn’t know. Morgan did a great job of informing us. When he plays a character, you just don’t get the sense that he’s well educated on the movements of non-flight birds. He’ll surprise you.

To summarize the movie, these birds slowly waddle over 70 miles and congregate into a huge group. There they mingle with lots of other penguins until they find just the right mate…which is easy to do when everyone looks the exact same. Then they go through this elaborate courtship, birthing, and chick-raising process that involves more long walks and a lot of missed meals. The parents lose a lot of sleep and a lot of weight caring for their chicks. They only survive the elements by huddling together.

Wait a minute, that stuff doesn’t sound amusing at all. It sounds like college and parenthood. I think maybe Morgan Freeman has pulled one over on us.

My wife has recently turned into an old retired lady. She can be carrying a handful of fragile, valuable items and all I have to do is say “Is that a double-breasted, swallow-tailed, red-hooded, flight finch?” and she’ll immediately drop what she’s carrying to run to look out the window…usually with binoculars and reference book in hand.

I’ll admit, it’s a bit relaxing to be able to watch the birds enjoy a meal while we enjoy ours. Last Sunday afternoon, Butterfly giggled when I told her that the male and female cardinal were eating their after-church lunch just like we were. Bird Church…who comes up with this stuff?

We recently decided to move the feeders. Apparently, a hungry squirrel realized that he could utilize these seeds to meet his nutritional requirements. All he had to do was climb a nearby tree, jump the 50 feet to the feeder, balance upon the teetering house, and viola! A meal fit for a king…finch. (I will allow the Queen to interject in the comments section to tell you all if there is a such thing as a King Finch and what it’s feeding habits are.)

The logical thing to do would be to move the feeder where the squirrel couldn’t get to it. But we’re not logical people. We moved it to where squirrel doesn’t have to try very hard. The new location also has the benefit of allowing Butterfly to watch all of the feeders from her seat at the table. Unfortunately, I think this squirrel is afraid that we made it too easy for him, so he’s a bit timid in his quest now. The photographs below show how the little rascal finds his meal. You’ll have to look really hard to find him in the last one (click for larger pictures), but don’t worry…he’s hiding in there somewhere. He’s like the James Bond of furry-tailed rodents.

My friends who are in the Air Force should appreciate this news clip that I found - Especially DruU. This picture is published by the US Air Force and was reprinted in a local newspaper. (Click the picture for the full-size version). The photograph details the state of care taken by maintenance personnel to keep our high-precision, military aircraft fully operational. If you can’t read the text, the caption says:

Tech Sgt. Somebody observes as Tech Sgt. SomebodyElse carefully lowers the main landing gear strut on a KC-135 Stratotanker to full extension using a 11.5 pound dead blow hammer…

For those of you who are not familiar with maintenance, if you’re using a sledge hammer, the word “carefully” is probably not the best descriptor available.

According to surveys that haven’t come out yet and that I won’t read, a lot of Americans probably tuned-in to see the season finale of Lost which aired last night. It answered some questions and managed to raise even more. I, however, refuse to watch again until they explain a couple of things to me.

1. Why does Kate always turn her back on people she shouldn’t trust. 15 times out of 10 she manages to get herself captured, knocked-out, or have her gun taken away from her. I’m beginning to think that they would have been rescued weeks ago if it weren’t for her.
2. “the others” seemed to be living a relatively normal life….right? So when everyone merged and mingled, why didn’t Jack find someone to wash his shirt for him. You just know he’s got to be stinking by now.
3. Why did Smokey-the-monster all of a sudden become friendly with the Losties? In the first few episodes, he was eating captains and sending people running all through the jungle. Now these people traipse around the island like they own the place. I think when the show comes to a close, we’ll realize that smokey just needed a good belly rub…and I’ll bet that Locke was the man who did it.

At any rate, there was the season finale in all it’s glory. I, however, am a firm believer that this type of entertainment is cheap and ridiculous. I will not have my emotions drawn out from week-to-week as these writers toy with my mind. No sir! I demand instant gratification. None of this “plot line development” or “character depth.”

I found the perfect show. It’s basically a bunch of stand-up comics, which is good because these guys are trying to keep you laughing constantly. But they’ve gotten a way to streamline it even more…

Usually a comic has to keep you laughing, so he/she caters to the ADD within the crowd. But on this show, they only have about 7 or 8 seconds to impress the judges, so now they have to go into ULTRA-ADD mode and throw out a lot of stupid jokes in a very small amount of time. Even when they go into their “long” segments, the producers only show about 30 seconds of it. That’s the way I like it.

So, while my wife was stretching her brain and trying to figure out this incredibly tough puzzle, I was sitting in an adjoining room enjoying a bunch of cheap laughs. Does marriage get any better than this? I submit that it’s nearly impossible to top this relationship.

So, you’ve read my in-depth review of our meal. Now brace yourself for my stellar review of the play:

Wait…scratch that. Looks like Queen Kelley has already beat me to it. Here’s her review that uses fewer words, better imagery, and a lot less nonsense than mine. Go on, read hers first….I’ll wait here….

The music and the performers were all very good, but I was most impressed with the girl (woman, lady….female) that played the role of Rafiki. (UPDATE - Her name is Phindile Mkhize and she is a native of South Africa.  Apparently, she was on the original broadway soundtrack in ‘94…and understandably so.) Her ability to stay perfectly on key through some intense vocal work was simply amazing.

As far as the play goes, here are my two highlights:

After Mufasa’s death, there was a scene to deal with those in mourning. As the choir faded from their solemn chants, Rafiki, Nala, and Sarabi were left alone on stage singing their own laments. Each melody, similar to character’s grief, was unique and followed its own pattern. Amazingly, these melodies joined together and became interwoven to create a beautiful sound that echoed across the entire theater. The scene was incredibly poignant and when the lights closed out, I’m pretty sure that my wife may have let a tear or two slip away.

Early in the show, Mufasa sat with Simba and told him about the kings of the past. The song “They Live in You” was introduced and to be honest, it sounded like a regular ‘ole song to me. Fast forward to the second act. Simba was trying to come to terms with the man/lion that he should be. As he began to realize what he must do, Rafiki and Nala move into a reprise of that same song, but with the words “He Lives in You” emphasizing Mufasa’s relationship with Simba. The laments mentioned earlier started with a chorus and ended with quiet solos. This song was the opposite. It began slow, and was then filled with a chorus of voices. Rafiki went on a vocal run that I’ve rarely heard before. There’s really no way to express the goosebumps that I got during that song. Not only were the vocals stunning, but the lyrics were compelling, and the actors and effects were almost perfectly choreographed to portray that emotion. I don’t know if the original writers were aiming for an allegory, but that song could probably be performed in and number of churches and the congregation would be none-the-wiser. (Well, the lion costumes might give it away.)

So there you go…I suffered through a meal and a show with my wife. I hope that she’s aware of all the sacrifices that I make for her.

*Photos are all taken by Joan Marcus from the New York showing. I would have put some of our own pictures up, but the whole “no photography” rule was tough to get around.

On occasion, my wife talks me into letting someone else watch the girls, and we take some time away for a special date. This weekend, we drove up to my hometown and took advantage of my parents’ generosity. Late in the morning on Saturday, Queen Kelley and I stole away and drove to downtown Atlanta for a special date.

Our date started with an amazing lunch at Cafe Intermezzo. The city was quiet, as was the restaurant. We even had a room all to ourselves with a table by the window. The view was beautiful as we watched construction workers going to and from lunch. Here’s a photo of the interior of the restaurant taken from our table.

Kelley debated her menu options, but I settled pretty quick on what I wanted. Usually things with “Alfredo” in the name go to the top of the list so the Spicy Tortelini Alfredo with Shrimp was a winner. Kelley finally ordered the Pasta Primavera. Here’s our quaint little table with our quaint little lunches.

The waitress must have known how quickly my interest wains, so she made sure that I had different colored noodles. Every single one, I might add, was filled with cheese.

My allergies had been bothering me most of the morning, but the “spicy” portion of the alfredo cleared those away. I didn’t really care for Kelley’s dish, but she loved it and I suppose that is what counts. Mine was awesome. Cheese-filled noodles in a cheese-based sauce with a light covering of cheese. Now that’s a good meal.

After that, I was informed that this location just so happens to have tons of desserts. Here’s how it works…There are two large cases filled with large desserts. You go over and look at these delectables to see which one you might like to try…but all you do is stand there drooling. Eventually, you mumble something to the waitress and she guides you back to your seat. While you wait for your desserts to arrive, you and your date become giddy with excitement.

Kelley got “Derby Pie” which was a bunch of chocolate, nuts and sugar cooked together. It probably wouldn’t have tasted very good with all that sugar crammed into a small space, so she had them add some ice cream to it. The waitress interpreted my droolen-mumbles as “White Chocolate, Raspberry Tort.” Here’s what it looked like:

I didn’t care for the cake at all…

As we finished our meal, we relaxed and breathed in the atmosphere. Peace. Quiet. No Kids. Good Food.

It was an excellent start of a date. The it was on to the show…

There’s this guy I know who is a journalist. I keep wondering when he’s going to read my blog and come to the conclusion that I’m an insanely great writer, full of insight and sophistication. But just to make sure that he understands that I am versatile, I take a little time on occasion to work on my investigative journalism skills. Let’s see what this attempt has dug up.

Fresh off the presses from the latest trade magazine in the Orient comes these advertising beauties…

This ball holds a “realistic dolphin”. The ball is 1 and 3/8″ in diameter. How many dolphins have you seen that can fit into a tiny sphere?

These are little tools on a keychain…and the really work! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been working on a project and needed a hammer that is slightly over 2″ long. Oh, and that time my really tiny pipes burst, I could have really used that wrench.

I know I’ve been having some fun at these people’s expense, but you gotta be honest, this description is like they weren’t even trying. I imagine that it was close to 5:00 on a Friday afternoon when they got to this one. “Hey boss, should we claim something like ‘You can really ride these ponies’?” and the boss yells back “Nah, it’s too late to worry about outrageous claims…let’s just say that they look pretty.”

That’s all I have for this installment. If any newspapers out there would like to employ my keen journalism skills, you can get in touch with me on the contact me page. If you are a television station, then you’d not only get access to my keen journalism skills, but you’d be able to watch as I dazzle the screen like none other before. Think it over…let me know. I’ll keep looking through this magazine while I wait.

My little girls are an endless source of delight.  This morning, for instance, Ladybug wanted her daddy.  She did not want her mommy and she did not want to play on the floor, she wanted her daddy.  It made going to work tough, but it is a good feeling to know that she longs to spend time with her father.  And when I finally broke free, Butterfly demanded that  I receive her hug and kiss.  Without a second though I obliged and received a great big hug and a mid-waffle kiss.  The maple syrup dripped from my cheek as I closed the door behind me.

This evening, though, I think that I had one of my proudest moments as a father.  There we were, all sitting at the table enjoying a nice meal prepared by my wife.  Suddenly, an ominous, low, rumbling sound filled the room.  Ladybug looked up at me, grinned from ear to ear, and said “Poot!”

Now where do you think she learned such a thing?