Shallow Thinker

A year ago, I talked a bit of trash to the youth of our church.  Fortunately, the other old folks helped me out as we crushed the youth in our annual flag football game.  This Sunday marks the return of the Turkey Bowl.  And, if I were a smart man, I would adapt the following lessons for this game:

• I am too old to play.  I will hurt myself and be sore for 2-3 days after.
• Trash-talking is not wise because I can’t back it up.  I have to rely a lot on who shows up for each side and things that are beyond my control.
• Playing just isn’t smart because I’ll be all sweaty and stinky for the meal that follows.  And, when I have to play the guitar, I’ll drip sweat all over it and won’t be able to hold the pick.

Really, no good could possibly come from participating in this game.  So, after speaking with my agent and weighing my options, I must offer the following statement to the press:

We’re going to crush the youth like little….things that you can crush easily.  And we’ll win big.  Huge.  Monstrous winning will occur.  We’ll score more touchdowns that Troy Aikman did against….some team that he scored a lot of touchdowns against.  I’s going to be so brutal that they’ll need to call the paramedics because of our…brutality.  So, um….YEAH!

There you have it.  And yes, you can quote me on that.  Hey, if the Minnesota Vikings can win with old man Favre leading their team down the field, we just might have a chance with Old Man Harrel at the helm.

Please allow me to quote extensively from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp:

Oh this is the night, it’s a beautiful night
And we call it bella notte
Look at the skies, they have stars in their eyes
On this lovely bella notte.
Side by side with your loved one,
You’ll find enchantment here.
The night will weave its magic spell,
When the one you love is near!
Oh this is the night, and the heavens are right!
On this lovely bella notte!

Tonight marks the return of football.  I don’t even care that it’s South Carolina and some other team playing.  It is football and my TV will be tuned to the game.  Of course, I have school work to catch-up on and reports to write.  So, I’ll open some books and fire up the computer.  Then I’ll immediately ignore them and watch a pointless game between two teams that I don’t care for.  Ah…..I do love football.

I am a football fan.  I love to watch football at any level.  PeeWee football is fun just because it’s PeeWee football.  High school ball is fun because you get to see the star athletes shine, but you can also watch teams of unknowns achieve success.  College ball is more refined because all of the players are athletes, but it is slightly tainted by individuals that want to be bigger than the team…or by teams that want to be bigger than the university.  Pro football has its divas and payrolls and all sorts of other things that make it like a soap opera.  But it also has phenomenal athletes and very complex strategies.  I  could give you more reasons, but at the bottom of it all, I’m completely enthralled with the sport.

This Sunday brings up a dilemma for me.  I’m trying to decide how to properly watch the game.  I know that everyone has a party and it’s a big whoop-de-do, but for me, it always seems like a let down.  At the end of the night, the cheese dip has solidified.  The chips are ground into the carpet.  The pizza boxes are stacked on top of the trashcan.  I, however, am paying attention to how the TV has gone silent, the microphones in the booth have been removed, and the shoulder pads have been put away.  The lights in the stadium are turned off for one last time.  Football is over.

If you knew that one of your deepest loved ones was going away, how would you handle it?  Would you want a party to celebrate all of the good times that you had together and send them on their way with joy?  Perhaps you’d want to take in your last few moments together in a quiet setting, just the two of you, savoring each second that passes.

This Sunday presents a difficult decision.  A part of me wants to celebrate with my friends, but I know that on the inside, I will feel empty…like the salsa dish at half-time.  Another part of me wants to watch the game alone and absorb each hit, but I will long to be comforted by those who appreciate my love as much as I do and will share in my grief.  I really don’t know if I have the strength to decide for myself.  Please…someone help this misery end.

Editor’s Note: If you even think of mentioning something like “It’s all about the commercials”, I will drive to your house and bludgeon you with this empty salsa dish.  Attempts to console me with mentions of the probowl game may result in death.  It’s not a game, it’s a dance…at best.

This weekend was full of football upsets. USC, UGA, and UF all suffered a defeat. But, perhaps the most stunning upset happened on Sunday afternoon in a field by an old, dirty lake. There, where the weeds brush your knees and the trees crowd your vision, the annual Turkey Bowl was held.  The vibrant, energetic youth of Mt. Zion took on the old, hobbling seniors that call themselves “adults.”

Three years ago, the youth won by one point.  13-14 and it wasn’t as close as the score sounded.  We were outplayed, but lucky enough to get a couple of interceptions.  Two years ago, rain kept the adults from suffering defeat.  Last year, the youth walked away with victory in an overtime thriller of 42-35.  So, naturally, the youth had history on their side.  As did UGA, USC, and UF.

When the final whistle sounded, the adults looked much happier than the previous two years.  28-14 was the final score, but it just doesn’t tell the story the way it should be told.  Here, let me tell it as succinctly as I can:  A Crushing Defense.  A Decent Enough Offense.  Domination throughout the Game.  Oh, and almost three times as many players as what the youth had.  We are old and we are victorious!

As we bring the trophy home, old people everywhere should stand a little taller.  We have looked youth in the eyes and we have said to it “Hey, the referee isn’t paying attention…we’re going to cheat.”  And then we followed through with it…because we’re older and wiser!

Now pardon me as I go ice my knees, take some tylenol, and find the bengay for my back.  I’ll need another year just to recover.

The sweltering heat is beginning to yield its hold over the south and we’re able to enjoy temperatures in the low 90’s.  Hurricanes bring us rain so that our grass turns from “dead” to “slightly less dead”.  This means that on Saturday mornings, you hear the distant hum of lawnmowers across the neighborhood.  (It’s a distant hum because I only gut my grass when I need to make a path for the elephants and tigers to cross.)  But more importantly, the silence of weeknights dissolves into the rhythm of drums on Friday evenings.  The bass drums echo for miles around and the rat-tat-tat of the snares stay crisp across the neighborhoods.  It’s football season.  I can feel it in my bones…I can smell it in the air.

I do love football.  If allowed, I’d plop on the couch and watch it all weekend.  A great coaching strategy is the only thing that can overcome a large athletic deficit.  The irony is that pure athleticism can sometimes overcome great coaching strategies.  So, each week, you watch the best-of-the-best lay it all on the line.  Sure, the concept sounds cool, but the reality is that it’s just a bunch of guys trying to run each other over.  Archaic?  Definitely.  But I’d join ‘em in a heartbeat.  I’d take the league minimum to go out and try my hardest.

The only thing that stinks about football season is the fans.  They go on and on and on about their team.  I like to talk theory behind the sport.  Pros and cons of a match-up.  Who to watch and expectations of the game.  Die-hard fans like to talk about how awesome their team is no matter what.  The conversation is usually something like this:

Me - Boy, Team A sure will have a tough time this week.  Team B looks like they can defend the pass pretty well.
Fan - WE’RE GONNA CRUSH THEM LIKE BUGS!
Me - Probably…but you have to admit that their secondary is very well-adapted at the spread offense which forces you to rely more on your running game.
Fan - THEY AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ ON US!  WE’RE GONNA DOMINATE!
Me - Gotcha.  Well, I hope your QB gets out of the hospital soon. That might help.
Fan - OUR BACK-UP QUARTERBACK WILL EAT THESE GUYS FOR SUPPER!  HE SLEEPS ON NAILS!
Me - ooohhhhh-kay.  So, how ’bout that weather.
Fan - OUR DEFENSIVE LINE IS GONNA TACKLE THAT HURRICANE AND MAKE IT SUFFER!  AIN’T NO SILLY WIND GONNA SLOW US DOWN.  CHAMPIONSHIP ALL THE WAY.  WE’RE ALL-UNIVERSE!

Maybe the problem is that these people actually have faith in their teams and I expect mine to lose.  Sour grapes, I guess.  Sometimes I try to think of what it would be like to support a winning team, but I’ve been loyal to Mercer and Georgia Tech this long…why turn back?

Hey, guys, wait up! Can I play football with you?

What’s that? Oh, yeah, I’m old enough….honest. I’m just a bit small for my age. But don’t worry. If we ever play against a team of gerbils, I’ll dominate.

Can I what? Oh, I think I can make the team. See my brother (#19) is a senior and has some pull with the older guys. He even found me this big-boy jersey (#11) and I can almost walk without it hitting the ground. So in no time, I’ll be able to run along side the rest of you! Not to mention that this is a small public school, so the coach won’t cut anyone.

Yeah, yeah, you have a point. I’m not really big. But my friend (#7) and I have this race to see who can weight 100 pounds first and I think that I’ll weigh in next week with my pads still on. That should put me over 90, at least. If I run through a sprinkler and get soaking wet, I might can top 95…

What can I offer the team?  Last year I was a waterboy, so I know the ins-and-outs of the locker room.  So, if one of the waterboys gets hurt, I can step-in and help out.  Oh, and did I mention my brother is a senior?  So when all of you guys  get together and hang out, I can be the little pip-squeak that tags along and you can all use me to attract the ladies.  Because honestly, what girl isn’t attracted to these big mouse ears?

If I were a betting man, Las Vegas would prosper on my behalf. I have an amazing ability to support teams that are losers. Well, no, I take that back. “Loser” indicates that they never win. The teams that I support win enough games (usually one or two) to get my hopes up and then they tank it for the remainder of the season.

Let’s take college basketball as an example. When possible, I support my alma mater, Mercer University. Every year, the men’s basketball team shows promise and they occasionally beat a teamthat they have no business playing against (USC was this year’s victim). But when the games really matter….the winning does not occur. I’ve got an agreement with a couple of friends that if Mercer ever makes it to the NCAA tournament, we’ll buy tickets and go watch them. I haven’t had to cancel any plans during March Madness yet.

But football is my passion. And lucky for my blood pressure, Mercer doesn’t have a football team (yet….or anymore…or…ah, whatever). So, I need a football team to support. When I was in college, I decided to throw my valuable half-hearted support to Georgia Tech because they are the only Division I-A engineering school in Georgia. And by definition, since I support them, they continually let me down. Recently they fired their head coach, Chan Gailey. YAY!! And then they hired Paul Johnson, a coach that likes to run the triple option. That’s really helpful if we have to play any teams from 1963. Unfortunately, most of the good players on the team (both of them) aren’t prepared for the rebirth of this antiquated offense, so they’re transferring. They’ll be sorry when Tech flexes its muscle to beat a few division I-AA schools.

I don’t see a national title over the horizon for Tech any time soon. Heck, a bowl game that doesn’t require our players to paint the field before the game or clean-up the trash afterwards would be nice…but still unlikely. So professional football it is!!

No, wait, I support the Falcons. They recently fired their head coach as well, Yay! And then instead of interviewing the best candidate out there, they went ahead and hired someone. Sure, the new guy has the potential to be a great coach, lets do a quick comparison. When his defense played New England, they let Tom Brady start something like 24-for-24 and ended 26-for-28 (these numbers are just estimates based on my faulty memory….I’m too lazy to look up the real stats). The other guy who was out there? His defense almost beat New England the first time they were out there and then actually defeated them in the Super Bowl. Great job on being thorough, Mr. Blank!!

As much as I like to complain, the Falcons are starting to get their act together. They are already getting rid of some of the players that were either over-paid or were beginning to be clubhouse distractions. I wasn’t at all happy with the acquisition of Byron Leftwhich, and it’s good to see the new coach letting him go. But with free agency looming and the draft in a couple of months, I fully expect that they’ll find a way to bring in some players to help them over pay for only a handful of victories. Why? Because that’s the way they roll.

*Picture compliments of www.profootballtalk.com

The great writers who have gone on before, and many who will follow after, have often used the seasons to symbolize life. One of the best examples of this symbolism is a song that my wife has performed beautifully in worship service called Every Season (words and music by Nichole Nordeman). But no matter the author nor the medium in which they present their art, winter always represents death and it is followed swiftly by the hope and new life of spring.

I must confess that I feel the coldness of winter in my life. This weekend brings with it the cold, bleak reality that I have experienced the passing of another season….another wonderful season….another joy-filled, emotionally-uplifting, football season. *sigh* This hurts because football is my friend. I love football, no matter how it comes to me. High School, College, Professional, Pee-Wee, Flag, Table top, Madden ‘08….you name it. I’m addicted.

So as the New England Patriots try to carve their name into history, the New York Giants will be countering every blow….and I will be soaking it all in. I may laugh at the commercials, but it is not joy that I feel. I may gorge myself on chicken wings, but only because I must. And that fourth brownie I eat will be my futile attempt to chase away the pain that Monday will bring.

Football, I will miss you. Please come back to me soon.

With this unwavering commitment and my deep passion for this game, there is only one thing that can fill the deep void in my soul…college basketball. I love basketball…

So this weekend is “The Big Game” (because you can’t say Super Bowl or else you might get sued. Oh, wait…I just said it. Ah nuts, I’m getting sued, aren’t I?)….sorry, I digress…At any rate, everyone is making their pick as to who will win. I know who I think will win, but I’m not sure who I want to win. It’s tough for me…let me walk you through it.

I’d like to see Eli Manning break out of his brother’s shadow and win a championship. On the flip side, I’m afraid that it would completely flood the market with more endorsements from the Manning brothers even though it would be tough to saturate the market any further. I’d like to see the Patriots make history in going 19-0, but they’ve got that whole spygate thing going. (To be perfectly honest, I think that the NFL needs to work out the steroids/HGH issue before videotaping is considered a “major problem”…but I’m digressing again.) I’d like to see the Giants win without Tiki Barber, who was a major distraction last year, and without Jeremy Shockey, who will always be a major distraction, but I never have cared much for their receivers. (Burress always let me down in fantasy football.) I’d like to see the Patriots do well with several teams’ “left-overs”, but I’m not at all happy that Jerry Rice’s single season TD record was broken by Randy Moss…and I don’t like the press conference that Randy Moss gave afterward.

So what do I do? I think I should find out more about the other players on each team before I make a decision. Let’s see what I can find.

Oh, here’s an article that will help me make my decision. Don’t worry, it’s nothing weird….well, actually it is.  But you know you’ll click on it anyway.  Just like sheep to the….well, I don’t want to spoil the article for you.

(Article is compliments of ProfootballTalk.com - now you know why I love the site so much.)