Shallow Thinker

The truth is often painful.  I’m getting older.  My metabolism and my driving are fighting to see which can be slower.  My weight and small pains are battling to see which can increase the fastest.  I don’t obsess over these things (at least I don’t think I do…do I?) but if I have some free time, I try to go to the gym to help reverse the “shape shifting” process.  I don’t stay all night, usually an hour is more than enough time to sit on a machine and watch other people workout around me.  I go on average about 4 times a week ensuring that I rest on a different machine each time.  I want all of my muscles to not exercise equally.

Last night I took the opportunity to visit the gym.  I was in the middle of seeing how little weight I could do on an exercise and I noticed that the staff was giving a young couple a tour.  Ah, that’s sweet…they’re going to start exercising together.  [Side Note: You know this was the girl's idea.  If the woman suggests that the couple begin to exercise, the couple ends up at the gym.  If the man suggests that they exercise, they end up working on a divorce settlement.]  Eventually, the staff member lets the budding lovebirds have their run of the gym to try it out and see if they like it.  This was a good night to do it because there weren’t many people around.

I was continuing my sets of chair sits when the young man approached me.  He asked, “Excuse me, do you workout here a lot?“ I looked around to see who he was talking to.  Odd, no one else is around.  I looked in the mirror real quick…nope, still no muscles.  Poor guy, he must be visually impared.  I quickly decided that I should help this poor boy.  Is turns out that he was looking for a way to workout his lower back.   I showed him the various places and positions where he could sit to rest his back.  Afterall, resting is just as good as exercising*.  He thanked me for my time and went about his business.  It felt good to help someone.  I wonder if I should do it more often.

*quote is attributed to JPLand.  All rights reserved.  All royalties and payments expected in cash.

So I don’t have the bulging biceps, tantalizing triceps, or quasi-….um…quadratic quadriceps….no….um……Ah, you know what I’m getting at. So I don’t have the muscles that I’ve been working towards. The obvious question is “Why not?” Here are some excuses that I’ve been working on:

• My shirts are too small and prevent them from growing.
• I don’t want others around me to be intimidated.
• Oh, they’re big…it’s just the lighting in this room that makes them look small.
• Why are you so vain to be stuck on that?

Well, apparently, I’ve been barking up the wrong tree. Researcher’s say that genetics may be holding me back. In fact, no matter how hard I try, I may not have the genetic coding that is required to build muscle mass. The really important thing, however, is not how big your muscles are, but how healthy they are. Go on, have a look at the article.

So, there you have it. My muscles may not be big, but they’re healthy! I wonder how far else I can apply this type of thinking to… Sorry, honey, the garbage may not be outside, but it is smelly. Sorry, boss, my work may not be good, but it’s colorful. My car may not be fast, but it rolls downhill very well. My lawn may not be green, but it’s happy.

*The photograph on this post may have been altered slightly to enhance the “health” of my muscles.

Here are the results from the health fair. I will try to do better next year:

Total Cholesterol - 145
“Less than 200 is ‘Desirable’ and puts you at a lower risk for heart disease.” I probably still need to go to a doctor and get the different levels checked (such as LDL, HDL and CDL, which are on the DL), but either way, these results will probably make my wife mad because it’s not bad at all considering all the crap I eat. Now there’s not basis for her to fuss at me for it.

Blood Pressure - 122/68
The sheet says that the top number should be below 120 and the bottom number below 80. Since I was only 2 over on the top and I was 12 under on that bottom, it averages out to 7 under. That’s how cholesterol works….right?

Glucose - 80
Before meals, the value should be between 80-120. I was hoping that my Mountain Dew for breakfast would boost me on up there in the ratings, but sorry, 80 is as good as I could do.

BMI (Body Mass Index) - 26 (5′11″ and 185 lb)
Values between 25.0-29.9 are classified as “overweight”. That’s good because all my life I have fought to be above average and now, I can finally say that I’ve achieved my goal. Realistically, though, this calculation does not account for muscle mass. So, like my friend Lones said, I’m putting on a lot of muscle. I should stop working on the biceps because these things are getting massive.

Body Fat Percentage - 18.9%
There was no information provided on the sheet about this, so I’m left to assume that any number here is acceptable. Then I thought better of it and found a little more information. The chart below says that I’m “acceptable”. Odd, that is the opposite of what my wife says about some of the things that I do in public. The chart does, however, crush my hopes of being an athlete.

So here’s the really important question: What if I reduce my body fat down to 17.5%. It’s above the range for “fitness” but below the range for “acceptable.” It looks like I have found the twilight zone of health and conditioning. Maybe within this realm, I’m always the 17th caller and win the tickets to crappy concerts…or maybe the traffic lights all turn green…perhaps they don’t charge me for extra sour cream at Moe’s. I need to start working out more…these are things that I need in my life.

I have this “unidentified friend” who has been working on his weight for a while. On occasion, he’ll post about his progress and from what I can see, he’s trimming down. (And from what Chuck can see, he’s shaping up!)

I’ve been working on getting in shape a bit myself. I haven’t really been trying to control my weight, but I have been keeping an eye on it just out of curiosity. The results?

In the past year, I’ve put on 5 pounds. In the past three years I’ve managed to gain 10 pounds.  When Butterfly was born, I was in the mid 170’s, but now I’m sitting around 185-187.

So where is this weight going? Have I been working out so much that I’m getting really muscular? Maybe I’ve eaten so much that I’m getting fat. Maybe I’ve taken in too much iron and my bones are getting heavier. Oh, I know, I have a goatee and I need a haircut…maybe that’s most of it.

Better yet, I’ll ask you, the random people of the internet. Where is the weight going? Even if you don’t know me, you can feel free to answer.  Here are your choices:

• A) Wow, you’re getting muscular! Is it legal to carry those guns?
• B) Dude, you’re getting fat. Three chili dogs at one meal is enough.
• C) It’s probably all added mass in your brain. You seem smarter every time I talk to you.
• D) I don’t know you, but judging by your blog, you’re a handsome fella.
• E) Maybe you should try brushing some of that plaque off your teeth.
• F) While A and C are very true, I think you’re just getting old…like Lance.
• G) This post was very boring and I didn’t even make it this far down.

Yesterday I got the wonderful opportunity to hoop it up with some friends. I was out of practice, but the good news is that so were the rest of the guys. I was a mad basketball machine. Lance couldn’t handle me in the lane, Jonathan was scared of my dunking skills (which I did not have the opportunity to show off), Marty couldn’t handle me draining 3’s, Rob cried a few times because of my defensive prowess, and Chuck had to leave early because I shut him down. I was intense.

I’m trying to remember if my team ever lost a game….I must be really good. So out of all the short, white guys that played basketball in Bolingbroke, Georgia yesterday, I was definitely in the top 6. I’m waiting on the call from the NBA. They’d better hurry, because I might go back to college to play football for my Alma Mater…if they ever get a team.

I was so on fire that after I got home, I could still feel the heat. Then my wife informed me that it was actually the sunburn. Apparently, when it’s cool and breezy outside, you can still get sunburn. Geez, I wish they’d tell you this stuff beforehand.

I recently received notice that the Run4Missions website has been updated in preparation for this year’s race. This served as a reminder to me that I’ve been getting a bit out of shape and need to regain my summer body. (Note: Summer body is very similar to Winter body, it just has more sunburn.) You see, it’s tradition, I have to get in shape to run the Run4Missions 5K. I’ve run every single Run4Missions 5K that has been held at Mt. Zion since it was brought over way back in 2006. I’m afraid that if I’m not there as a pillar within the race, it might crumble.

Let’s review. I have to run a race on May 3rd, and I’m out of shape. There’s only one thing to do. I have to get in shape. Well, actually, I could just eat my life away and sign-up as a phantom runner just to get the t-shirt, but I have a small amount of pride. At any rate, my training regimen started, and took a turn for the worse, this past Saturday.

Early in the afternoon, I put on my tight running shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt, and grabbed my Zune so that I could hear some tunes while I pounded the pavement. I started out of the driveway, down the road and a couple of turns later, I was out of the neighborhood.

There I was, happily running down Zebulon Road. I nodded as I encountered walkers, waved occassionally to the passing drivers…it was a good run. And it seemed that it wasn’t as bad as I’d remembered. Maybe I was actually in decent shape. (Must be all that basketball I’ve played on Playstation.) And then I turned the corner. Almost the entire portion of the run leading back to our subdivision was visible. Here’s my thought process:

Wow…I didn’t know that road was so steep….Hold on I’ve been running downhill most of the way thus far. Wait….I’m 2 miles from the house! Hey, did I bring my cellphone so that I can call the wife to pick me up?! Ah, crap, no cellphone…this is not good. I can see wolves off in the distance. Are those buzzards circling overhead? Who tied these cinder blocks to my legs? Can my heart actually fall out of my chest….feels like it could. Why is the world growing cold? Will my family miss me or will they be too busy enjoying the insurance money? If I would have known that lunch was the last meal that I would have with my family, I would have had a second helping…

Somehow, I managed to find my way back home. My legs still haven’t forgiven me for the atrocities that I put them through. All this because I’m too proud to just be a phantom runner? I guess pride really does go before the fall.

Like every other person my age, I have come to realize that my body can no longer process food as rapidly and as forgiving as it once did. At a recent health fair at my work, I was weighed and measured and categorized as “overweight.” Which is odd, because I’ve always considered myself lucky if I didn’t blow away when the wind picked up. At any rate, I have come to a cross-road in my life. Do I make the effort to stay in shape or do I just embrace the effects of time and watch my waist begin to exceed my age?

Well, if I want to stay in shape and maintain this amazing body that I have -wait, is “bean pole” a shape?- I have two options. The first option is to absorb the normal junk that I eat and to make a concerted effort to workout every day and maintain a rigorous training schedule. The second option is to watch what I eat, making sure that I and workout a few times a week…you know, more of a lifestyle change.

I decided to take the best part from both of these options - I eat a bunch of junk and only work-out a few times a week. So really it’s a win-win situation…right?

So I started my moderate workout routine in November and did well all the way through December, but I’ve just started back since I stopped for the Christmas break. The results thus far are that I’ve gained 5 pounds since I started. I must be doing good at my workouts because that’s a lot of muscle to gain. I’m writing all of this so that you can be warned for the next time you see me. Please don’t stare at my massive muscles…it’s a bit embarrassing.