Shallow Thinker

The votes have been cast (both of them), I’ve consulted my advisers (ESPN & XBOX 360), and I’ve charted my course.  I’m ready to submit my official release of Shallow Thinker’s 2009 New Year Resolution (C).  Yes, you read that right, I’ve only got one resolution this year.  To Kelley, you need nights away independent of a New Year.  You deserve those own your own merit.  Actually, you deserve a night to yourself, but I’m lazy man-scum, so you’ll have to drag me along as well.  To Alana, good suggestion and it is considered as a portion of my actual resolution.

This year, I make the leap from my 20’s to my 30’s.  I will leave behind the youthful ways and join the ranks of adulthood.  To join those ranks in a fashion that I deem appropriate, I make this resolution…with some slight clarifications.

I hereby resolve that when I turn 30 in July, I will be at my target weight…which I think is 172.  I’m currently at 185.

• I might work-out so much that I lose the flab and gain muscle but still weigh 185.  That is acceptable - though unrealistic.
• I will need to buy some scales so that I can weigh myself.  That would be a helpful step.
• Also helpful would be identifying my true target weight.
• I should minimize my intake of bad breakfasts.  I’ve heard that chicken biscuits aren’t the best choice you can make.  I know, surprising, right?
• I should probably start to eat breakfast regularly.  It’s a long, boring story that ends with me not eating breakfast much.
• I should reduce my consumption of meat.  Given the rate at which restaurants are reducing portion sizes, that might prove much easier than intended.
• I should probably reduce my attendance at restaurants.  This one is tough.
• Working-out more often is a good idea.
• Involving cardio in the workout will also be helpful.

So there’s my resolution with my helpful hints to myself.  185 now, lets assume that I need to lose 15 pounds.  My keen mathematical skills indicate that I should lose 2.5 pounds per month…or convert 2.5 pounds of fat to muscle.  Once I get my scales, I’ll post my weekly/monthly/wheneverly weigh-ins so that you can laugh at me as I actually put more weight on - I’m looking forward to it!

The doctor wants me to lose a few pounds.  I currently weigh 182, most of which is in my biceps and my massive pectorals.  (Sorry ladies, no pictures.  I don’t want any jealous husbands to deal with.)  I just happen to turn 30 in July.  (*cough*mark your calendars*cough*)  So, I’m thinking that I’m going to set myself a goal to hit my target weight (170) by my 30th birthday (*cough*send cash*cough*).

A wise person would note that I am going to set a goal and not that I have set a goal.  (you had to go back and catch it, didn’t you?)  So why not set the goal now?  simple.  If I set the goal now, then anything I do in the next couple of weeks will be detrimental to that target.  However, if I set the goal for after the new year, I can splurge for the rest of the holidays and then hit it.  As an added bonus, the goal is automatically turned into a New Year’s resolution.  And we all know how often those fail.  So, if I fail, it’s not my fault…it’s the design of the system!  This is brilliant!

So what’s so important about this week that I need to wait?  It’s Food Week 2008.  This is one of the most brilliant ideas in the history of mankind.  All week, people in my department bring food and put it in an empty office.  We all rotate and participate so that at any given time, there are cookies, meats, dips, drinks, or delectable combination of any of those.  This morning, I walked into the office and smelled sausage gravy.  Tomorrow promises pigs-in-a-blanket.  I expect to see chili and ro-tel dip later in the week.

Boy am I glad that I’m not on a diet this week!  One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I’ve been avoiding going to the doctor because I wasn’t very keen on my GP (general practitioner, for those of you who aren’t up on the medical lingo.)  A friend recommended a new guy, so I paid him a visit when I had my yearly cough.  He seemed nice enough and actually seemed to find the root cause of the cough (allergies) so that hopefully we can avoid it in future years.  Since this was a relatively pleasant encounter, I had myself a new doctor.

Yesterday, I bit the bullet and went in for my once-a-decade physical.  There was some listening, poking, head-turning, and coughing…all the types of things that make a physical enjoyable.  They also took some blood to check my cholesterol, liver functions, and a bunch of other stuff that I just nodded about hoping that it would make it seem like I knew what they were talking about.

After all of the inspection, the doctor told me that I seem to be in good health…”although”, he said…”although, you probably have about 5 to 10 extra pounds around the midsection that you could get rid of.”  (Insert inappropriate joke here: _____________)

Whoah, Doc, let’s talk about this.  Are you sure you have the right chart in front of you?  Maybe you were blinded by my rippling pectorals or my bulging biceps.  Maybe your glasses are foggy.  Oh, you’re not wearing glasses?  And I don’t have rippling pecs?  Well, if we’re going to completely honest with each other, your hair is tacky and your eyes are too close together.  See how it feels?

Like any good doctor, he recommended some ways to help me out.  Most of the suggestions made my wife happy because they gave her ammunition to continue hammering me about my eating habits.  One, though, had to do with my exercise routine.  His suggested that I spend 20-30 minutes doing cardiovascular exercise first thing at the gym and then do my weight training.  So, last night, I decided to give it a try.  30 minutes on the elliptical trainer and then about 30 minutes pumping some iron (using my rippling pecs, of course).  When I was completely exhausted, I stepped on the scales and…….nothing.  Absolutely nothing!  This cardio stuff is exhausting and I have nothing to show for it.

I wonder if his doctor’s degree is even real.

According to my calendar, I last worked out a little over 2 weeks ago.  Before that, it was 3 weeks.  (I’ll betthat my gym loves having me as a member!)  The excuses are getting easier and easier to come by these days.  So are the cookies and the sweets.  Some nights I put the girls to bed and I know that I should go to the gym and then come home and get some work done, but an hour or two later, I’m there on the couch watching football or playing a video game.

What I need is some motivation.  What I don’t have is a good idea of what kind of motivation I need.  Arby’s or Moe’s would certainly get me off the couch, but they would defeat the purpose.  Maybe a work-out partner…any takers?  No?  Maybe I should just face the facts that engineers aren’t ever known for their muscular physiques, just their intelligent minds.  Looks like I lose either way. *sigh*  At least my Halo friends appreciate me!

It’s no secret…I like food.  My mainstays are meat and cheese.  Supporting casts are usually potatoes and ranch dressing.   Bread is only a filler or a means to convey food to my mouth.  Its use should be minimized so that I can maximize the meat and cheese consumed.

Today’s lunch break took me to Wendy’s.  As I waited on the vehicle in front of me, I tried to decide what to eat.  The “Baconator” sure did look tasty, but at $4.70, it seemed a bit pricey.  So, I ordered two Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers instead.  I removed the contents from one sandwich, slapped them onto the other and viola…a slightly smaller variation of the same thing…for 50% less.  But I had to waste an entire bun to do it.  Wendy’s was actually rewarding me for wasting their supplies.

Recently, I was in Subway…I wanted to “eat fresh.”  They have several foot-long subs that you can get for $5.  Given my affinity for meat, this seemed like a good option.  However, that’s an awful lot of bread.  My other option would be to get the 6″ version of the sub for $3.80 and then ask for “double meat” for an additional $1.80.  So for $5, I can get a footlong sub or for $5.60, I can get the same sub, but use less bread.  Naturally, I got the footlong, folded the meat over, and used the rest of the bread to feed the ducks behind our office.  Subway was rewarding me for wasting their supplies.

Now, a wise person would look at this situation and decide to simply speak to the person behind the counter, explain what you want, and help keep from wasting the excess.  My experiences have led me to simply avoid trying to get the person to do anything out of the ordinary.  Heck, my health would probably be better if I only ate one small burger or the 6″ sandwich, but the ducks wouldn’t appreciate me as much.

(My apologies to Chicago for ripping off their song title, but it’s appropriate.)

I have this little habit that I’ve been working on for about 5 years now.  It’s called Mountain Dew.  Oh boy, do I love a cold MD.  Some would look a my situation and say that I’m addicted to this juice of goodness.  To that, I reply “I DON’T CARE!”  Back when I was in college, I refused to drink caffeine because I wanted to know that it would keep me awake in case I ever needed to pull an all-nighter.  Turns out I was way to lazy to ever attempt such a thing.  But when I started work with my own office and installed a little fridge, I’ve been drinking about 3,000 gallons of Dew a week. [Please Note: This amount is just an estimate.  Actual consumption varies depending on how long the week seams.]

There’s this small, insignificant voice in my head that tells me that I don’t need the insane amounts of sugar, preservatives, caffeine, or radioactive green that is supplied in my daily allotment of two cans.  And there are those goody-goody types that seem to be able to do accomplish a reduction in their intake of similar chemicals.  So, I decided a couple of weeks ago that it was time to kick the habit.  [Reality Check: MD was not on sale at Kroger and I wasn't about to pay $5 for a 12-pack when cokes are only $2.50 per pack.  That probably had a lot more to do with my decision.]

Here was my theory.  First, I’d gradually reduce the amount of caffeine that I take in.  I’d go from 2 Dews [54 mg of caffeine each can] to 2 cokes [34 mg].  Then I’d drop down to 2 Barq’s root beers [22 mg].  Eventually, I’d drop those all together and have nice refresshing water all day long.  The theory was sound…the timing was not.

My body had settled into the 2 coke routine and I was working on 1 coke and 1 Barq’s when the girls got sick.  The nights with just a little sleep left me needing a little pick-me-up for work in the morning.  I’ve read somewhere that an apple does a better job of waking you up in the morning than a soft drink does.  That’s a load of rubbish.  The apple made me mad.  It was the Mountain Dew that helped me through the day.

And so, a week after falling off the wagon (and happily doing so, I might add), I’m left with a decision.  Should I try, try again or should I just enjoy the green goodness as it was intended for me?

Every summer, my employer holds an “Employee Appreciation Luncheon.”  It’s sneaky the way they do it.  Basically, instead of us getting any cool benefits, they give us a free meal. I fall for it every time.  The past few years have been hamburgers and hotdogs of unknown origin.  In order to maximize my company benefits, I’ve consumed as many as possible and I’ve spent the afternoon regretting it.  But this year was different.

Today around 11:00, the smell of Sonny’s Barbecue began to waft through the halls.  The meal wasn’t suppose to start until noon, but the old timers started lining up soon after the sun came up.  Not wanting to be outdone, the rest of us boycotted our work and formed our lines well before the designated time.

I decided a while back that I need to be much more careful what I eat.  My wife and several friends have prodded me into the proper direction and slowly, I’ve begun to slowly shift my dietary habits.  (Last night I even ate squash!)  So here I am, facing a table of pulled pork, smoked chicken, baked beans, cornbread, and some vegetable options that I completely ignored.  What’s right thing to do?  My employer wishes to thank me for another year of employment…I would be remiss if I rebuffed this kind gesture.  I wouldn’t want any bad blood between me and the planners of this great event.  I decided that I should suffer and eat some barbecue.

After I finished my second plate abounding with food, I decided that my employer most likely understood my commitment to our company.  I waddled slowly back to my office and plopped down in my chair.  Now I have to spend the rest of the afternoon fighting this urge to lay back and take a nap.  You know, I sure do devote a lot to this company.  I hope they appreciate the effort I’ve been through today to show my appreciation for their display of appreciation.  The good news in all of this is that my boss ate two plates.  I passed by his office a few minutes ago and his door is shut.  I don’t think he’s on a conference call, either…

A friend of mine from my high school years recently made the move from New York to Montreal. In doing so, she penned a break-up letter so that New York would know how she felt. Now, I realize that I must say goodbye to something, as well. In that vein, I present to you, my own letter:

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Dear Running,

It was good to see you again last night. I know that it had been a while, but I needed to get out of the house and there you were. I know that it was a bit awkward for us at first, but we made the most of it. You always manage to take my breath away.

How long have we been seeing each other? Seriously?! Over 15 years. Wow! I sure have learned a lot from you in that time. And really, I’ve learned a lot about myself, too. You’ve always pushed me further than I thought I could go… and I appreciate that. A lot of times, I got to where I was because of you…and most of those times, “where I was” was the same place that I had started. Isn’t it crazy the way our relationship continues to come full circle?

So here’s the thing….I don’t think I can see you any more. I know it sounds like a cliche’ but you need to know that it’s not you, it’s me. Seriously, you just don’t know how much it hurts me every time we meet. And it’s not just when we meet…I’m left with this deep aching for days after our encounters.

When I was young and wild, I could handle our blitzing pace. I enjoyed the ups and downs along our journey. But, alas, I’m not young anymore. You beckon me to follow at a pace that I can no longer reach. The “ups” in our relationship break me so that I can no longer enjoy the “downs”.

And let’s be honest. We both have others that we’re seeing. I’ve never said anything about your friends because I was afraid that you’d notice mine. But now we can admit it. I’ve become reliant upon another to give me strength. The elliptical machine is kind, gentle, and smooth. That’s what my old body needs. And there are lots of young, vivacious runners out there that can meet your needs. I know that you’ll bounce back.

I’ll never forget the good times we had together. There was that time that you helped me finish 4th in my region in the 800m run. (Which made me the second alternate to the state track meet. ) And that time at the Run4 Missions when I finished first in my age group. I’ll always remember that time we strolled along the beach during our vacation. Those times memories will live on.

Don’t think of this so much as “goodbye”, but more of “see you later”. I’ll still drop in from time-to-time, but we both know that we could never go back to the way it was.

I’ll miss you deeply,

Ever get into a conversation about food and you start talking about some food you like and then you start to crave that food? No? Me either…that’s just weird. Who does that anyway?

Let’s just pretend that you’ve done it before. It will help you relate to this story a little better.

Kelley and I had put the girls to bed last night and I was looking for something to snack on. I moped back into the den empty-handed and commented to Kelley “I would really like some apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream.”

So here I am 24 hours later…guess what I’m craving. What I want is some of my grandmother’s apple pie, fresh out of the oven, topped with some cold ice cream. What I have is chex mix…

Anyone out there got a good recipe? Better yet, let me save you the trouble of writing it out. Just make me the pie. I’ll spring for the ice cream.

*This photo is from flickr.  If I had apple pie to take a picture of, this post wouldn’t be necessary, now would it?  And realistically, the picture would be of an empty plate.

You want to know the kind of organized runs that I enjoy the best? No? Well, there’s no need to be rude about it. Just for that, I’m going to tell you the answer, but I’m going to waste a couple of paragraphs in the process. (That will teach you)

5K’s and 10K’s are an excellent way for various causes to raise money and to raise awareness. Not only does it bring in some cash for registrants and sponsors, it also helps to build a kind of comraderie..comradaree…comroduhreeie……friendship among the participants and the volunteers. One example is our church’s recent Run for Missions…Run4Missions…R4M….ruhn four mishuhns. It’s helped raise funds for a mission trip to Ecuador and also starts the youth into a mindset of working towards a goal…something that will be beneficial on their trip.

So, what does that have to do with the kind of runs that I like best? (hold on…I’m getting there.) I like the runs where I don’t actually have to run. For instance, with the R4M, I just sent in a form and a check and now I just wait for my t-shirt to arrive in the mail. It will be the exact same shirt that the runners got so in a month or two when I’m sporting my shirt around town, no one will know if I ran or didn’t. It’s a win-win situation.

If you’ve ever spent much time on my wife’s blog, you’ll know that chicldhood cancer is a cause that is close to her heart. So, I present to you the ability to support a good cause while not running. (CLICK HERE) It’s a little late for this year’s race, but don’t worry, there are lots of other opportunities out there. I’ll try my best to post them when I’m aware. So go on, join me in not running these some races. Maybe someday I’ll hit my goal of not running 1,000 kilometers.

Here are the results from the health fair. I will try to do better next year:

Total Cholesterol - 145
“Less than 200 is ‘Desirable’ and puts you at a lower risk for heart disease.” I probably still need to go to a doctor and get the different levels checked (such as LDL, HDL and CDL, which are on the DL), but either way, these results will probably make my wife mad because it’s not bad at all considering all the crap I eat. Now there’s not basis for her to fuss at me for it.

Blood Pressure - 122/68
The sheet says that the top number should be below 120 and the bottom number below 80. Since I was only 2 over on the top and I was 12 under on that bottom, it averages out to 7 under. That’s how cholesterol works….right?

Glucose - 80
Before meals, the value should be between 80-120. I was hoping that my Mountain Dew for breakfast would boost me on up there in the ratings, but sorry, 80 is as good as I could do.

BMI (Body Mass Index) - 26 (5′11″ and 185 lb)
Values between 25.0-29.9 are classified as “overweight”. That’s good because all my life I have fought to be above average and now, I can finally say that I’ve achieved my goal. Realistically, though, this calculation does not account for muscle mass. So, like my friend Lones said, I’m putting on a lot of muscle. I should stop working on the biceps because these things are getting massive.

Body Fat Percentage - 18.9%
There was no information provided on the sheet about this, so I’m left to assume that any number here is acceptable. Then I thought better of it and found a little more information. The chart below says that I’m “acceptable”. Odd, that is the opposite of what my wife says about some of the things that I do in public. The chart does, however, crush my hopes of being an athlete.

So here’s the really important question: What if I reduce my body fat down to 17.5%. It’s above the range for “fitness” but below the range for “acceptable.” It looks like I have found the twilight zone of health and conditioning. Maybe within this realm, I’m always the 17th caller and win the tickets to crappy concerts…or maybe the traffic lights all turn green…perhaps they don’t charge me for extra sour cream at Moe’s. I need to start working out more…these are things that I need in my life.

Every year or two, my employer holds a “Benefits Fair.” I think I’ve written about this before, but the general idea is to raise awareness about investments, health issues, etc. Well, tomorrow is the day. So hot off the presses and dripping with delicious irony is today’s e-mail from our HR department. These are actual passages of text directly from the e-mail:

The goals of the fair are:

- To provide free health and fitness screenings, information, and educational materials
- To promote the value of our benefit plans and to educate employees about these benefits
- To motivate the community to choose a healthy and fit lifestyle to live longer and improve the quality of their lives

Free health screenings will include screenings for total cholesterol, blood pressure, and glucose. Information will also be available to help you determine your BMI.

So awesome….they care about our health and out health choices. Later on in the e-mail, I read this:

As you exit the Benefits Fair you will be given a “meal ticket” for a free lunch of hamburgers, hot dogs and all the trimmings served in the back hall.

So let me get this straight…you want to help me make healthy choices and you’re going to serve me hot dogs “with all the trimmings” afterwards? Awesome!