Shallow Thinker

This weekend is an odd occurrence.  Kelley has decided to take the girls to visit her parents and has left me behind.  I think that she would prefer me to go, but there are a couple of engagements that I have that prevent me from being able to go.  As of 4:20pm on Friday, I have cleared out all of the work that was looming over my weekend and I’m looking out over an open schedule.  Of course, I’m still on the hook if the boss calls me, so I’m not out of the woods, but if everything continues as it is now, I can get some stuff done.  Here’s the plan:

Friday Evening
-Cut the grass
-wire an attic exhaust fan
-go listen to my friend Rob and his band “Deacons of Disaster” at CJ’s

Saturday
-make a video for church…it’s supposed to show on Sunday.  I should probably start soon.
-clean the past year’s worth of yard debris
-construction project to fit a freezer in our closet
-yard work to remove pebbles and put down stepping stones
-try to watch a little football when I sit down for a breather
-repair a few random holes that I’ve put into walls (it’s a hobby)

Sunday
-Rest
-Gather with some college friends for a birthday party
-welcome Kelley and the girls home in the evening
-watch the sunset on the perfect weekend.

That’s what I hope will happen.  Here’s what I expect to happen.

Friday Evening
-get supper
-sit on the couch
-fall asleep early

Saturday
-cut the grass
-get an e-mail from the boss about work
-work from mid-morning through the evening
-eat supper (something fast, greasy, and heart-attack inducing)
-remember video and work until midnight to make it
-forget to save, computer crash, scream at empty house

Sunday Morning, Early
-in the wee hours of the morning, redo Video
-take video to church with coffee and little sleep
-go back home, do more work
-Greet Kelley and the girls when they come home in the evening
-wonder what happened to the weekend

So there it is. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?  Want to come over and watch?

*EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s now 4:45 (11 minutes after I originally posted this) and I didn’t sneak out of the office soon enough…I got pulled in to do some more work. *sigh* I sure wish someone would go cut my grass…hint, hint.

A clothes dryer is a wonderful thing.  You put in wet clothes, apply lots of electricity, and out come dry clothes.  In my house, this is a necessity.  (I’m allergic to 97% of the things outside, so a clothes line is only to be used when Kelley is really mad at me.)  So, when the dryer doesn’t dry, what do you do?

About 6 months to a year ago, Kelley called some random person and they came out and cleaned out our dryer vent.  Immediately afterward, the magical drying process was restored.  Was the wife happy with this?  NO!  She demands that the vent remain unclogged at the dryer functional all times.  Is there no pleasing this woman?

I’m as frugal as the next person, (assuming that the next person is indeeed equal in frugality to me….if not, then forget that I mad that assertion) so I like to save a buck.  I don’t want to call our this random guy to clean my vent every six months.  Wouldn’t you know it, Lowe’s had the solution for me.  The LintEater hooks up to your drill and is supposedly used to clean out your dryer vent.  Apparently this is only true in houses other than my own.  Here’s the brief synopsis of what happened, although these events took the better part of a Sunday afternoon and Monday evening.

1. Hooked up the little brush attachment, ran into the vent.  Got it hung up somewhere in the middle.
2. Removed the brush, replaced the tip with the “clog removal tool”
3. Ran the clog removal tool through the entire vent.
4. Inspected the opening on the other end…yep.  There’s the tool….no clog removed, though.
5. Attached the brush, and pulled the thing back through the vent.
6. Noted that very little lint came out.
7. Tried dryer, yep, it blows hot air.
8. Hooked up the dryer to the vent, turned it on, checked the outlet….nothing.
9. Rehooked the brush thingy on, pushed it back down through the vent.
10. Checked the back end.  Hello, brush.  Still no lint removed.  Maybe this thing actually does “eat” the lint.
11. Pulled back through for good measure….still nothing.

So, apparently the LintEater is designed to sneak around the lint and leave it undisturbed.  While interesting, it’s not very helpful.  So, I did what any other engineer would do in this situation….I “improved” the design.

1. Used washers and bolts to attach a rag to the “system.”
2. Pushed the thing down until it got clogged.
3. Pulled it out and marveled at the amount of lint that was removed.  Are we missing a sweater?
4. Came up with a brilliant idea…
5. Ran the “clog removal tool all the way through the vent.
6. Excitedly attached the rag to the dryer side.
7. Went to the exhaust side, hooked up the drill, and pulled.  The theory is that it would be a lot easier to pull the rag through the vent than to push it.

Apparently my calculations did not take into account the fact that there would be a lot of lint in the vent.  When the rag got beyond reach from either end, the nifty “Dryer Vent Cleaning System” broke.  And not just “hey, that’s unfortunate” kind of break.  It was broken at the precise location where the rag was firmly planted into the middle of my dryer vent…and I couldn’t reach it.

I was so mad that I ripped the pieces I could get out of the vent and flung them as hard as I could.  Apparently, the “Dryer Vent Cleaning System” was not designed for prolonged flights and fell a few feet from where I was standing.  Fortunately, after I’d settled down and my wife assured me that I was still a man, I was able to use some other tools to get the rag out.  More importantly, though, I still had the original packaging…and I knew where Lowe’s was.

Morale(s) of the story:

• If you need to avoid lint, I recommend the LintEater.  It knows exactly how to sneak around the lint and come out clean as a whistle on the other side.
• The customer service person that was working at our Lowe’s last night is awesome.  Of course, I think she probably knew that I’ve probably spent enough money there to fund her college and her retirement.  But, she accepted our return and fully refunded our money.
• It’s difficult to take out your frustration on little flexible rods.
• Our house contains magical lint-attracting pipes.
• I’m installing a new dryer vent this weekend.

CNN recently published an article that discussed how much more likely you are to get a promotion if you dress nice than if you don’t.  It went on to say that the sun rises in the east and that politicians sometimes lie.  (Perhaps the last sentence isn’t true, but it’s just as obvious.)  The premise is that you dress for the job that you want, not the job that you have.

I delivered a presentation today, so I dolled myself up all nice and pretty.  After looking in the mirror, I’ve decided that I haven’t really dressed for the job I want.  I’ve either dressed to be a sales rep or a waiter at Red Lobster.  This isn’t the look I was going for.  I should have worn Bermuda shorts and a Hawiian shirt because the job I want is to be a retired millionare living in the Bahamas.  Last time I dressed for the job that I wanted, my boss told me that an NFL jersey and shoulder pads were not appropriate for our work environment.

I love to work on the house or in the yard. There’s this feeling of accomplishment when a task is done. I stand back and look at my work and say “eh, not bad.” Prior to taking on a task, my wife never fails to ask “Are you sure you can do this?” And it’s not the supportive type of question. It’s the kind that really says “I don’t want a big hole in my house.” So, finishing a task not only makes me feel good, it gives me a bit of vindication for having my aptitude questioned. Granted, I occassionally give her reason to question, but that is not the point of the post, so please stop dwelling on the negative….hater.

There’s one area that I can not stand to work….in the crawl space. I’d rather work in the hot attic or out in the 103 degree heat more than I would under the cool, damp, dark….scary, spider-laden, death-trap of a crawl space.

Guess what I had to do this past weekend…

I crawled under the house to see what the problem was with the dryer vent. Sure enough, the pipe had worked itself apart. Or maybe it was pulled apart by the monsters that lives under there. As I crawled around trying to find a decent way to approach the pipes, I kept feeling non-existent spiders and bugs crawl over me. After a few minutes, I trained myself to ignore these things that weren’t trying to eat me alive.

At one point, I was sure I heard something behind me, but I kept working. And then, as plain as day, I felt something cold and wet on my leg. This could not be my imagination. I wanted to turn around and see what it was, but I didn’t want to do it so fast that I freaked out this thing and have it bite me. Slowly, I turned and pointed my flashlight into the beady eyes of this massive creature. Pippin lifted his cold nose from my leg, greeted my flashlight by licking my face, and then went back to exploring the dark underground.

As luck would have it, I couldn’t fix the thing without having to go buy some parts from Lowe’s and then crawl back under there again. It’s amazing that is wasn’t quite as scary the second time when I knew that my furry companion was down there with me. I guess that’s why they’re “man’s best friend.” I know my wife certainly wouldn’t have gone under there with me. And even if she did, we’d probably still be under the house with her asking “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Before I start this post, I should give a quick vocabulary lesson. If something is shaped like a circle, it’s “circular”. Like a rectangle? Rectangular. Like a triangle? Triangular. What about if it is shaped like an oval? Ovular? Incorrect! That word nothing to do with geometry and a great deal to do with reproduction. I found this out when I submitted a formal report for my bosses to review…that was an interesting e-mail to read. The correct word is “elliptical.”

So, with that said, our bedroom has an elliptical window that sits directly above our bed and looks out over the front yard. While this is a neat little window, it lets in too much light when the sun rises. (Normally, we’re up before the sun, but the girls have spoiled us recently and let us stay in bed past 6:15!) And, since our neighbors are odd folk, they like to keep their flood lights on at night and pointed directly at this window. We need some method of blocking out light. As an interim solution, we have been stuffing a pillow into the window. While effective, it sure does look funny when you drive past the house. Butterfly has also learned that removing this pillow tweaks her mother a bit, so each morning she climbs up and removes the pillow with a wry grin. We need a better solution.

Since we moved into the house, we’ve had great plans for this window. First, we were going to have a stained glass window made. Time passed and that never happened. Then, we decided that hanging a curtain in front of the window would be cheaper. We even bought a little curtain rod to put above it. More time passed, fewer things got done. Then we decided that stained glass was the best route to take again. Nothing happened.

This weekend I decided that if something was going to be done, I’d have to take matters into my own hands (because they weren’t in my hands before?) I have some spare wood and a pencil. I think I can work up a temporary solution that looks a little better than having a Goofy pillowcase staring out of our window.

I measured and calculated. I drew out a bunch of lines on my board, and sketched out the shape…which reminded me how much I miss football. I toiled away with my trusty scroll saw under the hot sun (shade wasn’t available until another 2 hours into the project - foreshadowing) and eventually my shape was cut.

I put my board into the window and….ah man! how can it be that short on the sides. I remeasured, went back outside and sure enough. I’d written down 28.75″ instead of 29.75″. But, I could still salvage the project…So, from the big football, I cut a slightly smaller football. I traipsed back upstairs, installed the smaller board and…too big. I marked the places to sand, back downstairs, sanded, upstairs, mark, downstairs, sand, upstairs, mark, downstairs, sand….eventually my creation was small enough to be jammed into the window. See for yourself.

Currently, this thing isn’t very pretty. It’s just a piece of wood shoved into an oblong window. The goal, however is that I’ll put handles on it (for easy installation and removal). Then, I’ll paint it white to match the rest of the window. The wife and I have toyed around with the idea of letting the girls paint on the board or put their handprints on it. Realistically, it’s taken us 7 years just to get the piece of wood into the window. I expect it will be another 7 before we remove it and do anything with it. Besides, nothing brings out the Redneck Motif like a piece of board in the window. Our neighbors are proud.

I usually try to post about once each week day and then, if possible, once during the weekend. It’s that weekend one that varies the most. On some occasions, I have a bit of leisure time and I’ll think of something to help you waste your time. But then there are times like this past weekend. I felt like I was constantly going and as soon as night fell, so did I. There’s so much that needs to be done around the house and the yard that I’ll probably never be comfortable with the state of our property.

This past weekend, I had numerous projects going on. Some were more evident than others. Let’s take, for instance, cleaning out the gutters. The job was long, hot, tedious, and dirty. When I got done and looked at the house, did it look any different? Negative. Would any visitors be able to tell that I’d done it? No. Is there really much evidence that I’d spent so much time on this? Not that I can see. But, this was a task that had to be done…so I did it.

There were, however, a couple of very evident tasks and a couple that were very rewarding. This post is about one of the latter. (As opposed to one of “the ladder” which is what was used to clean out the gutters.)

After supper on Friday evening, Butterfly whispered to me “Daddy, I have a secret.” This is her new way of asking for something that she either knows she probably won’t get or doesn’t want her mother to hear because that would greatly decrease her chances of getting it. So, I readied myself to say “no” and leaned in close. “Why don’t we go build pillow houses!”

Upstairs we went to venture into imaginary realms which are supported by cloth and down. In this case, I was instructed to be Pocahontas. It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to sound a bit more feminine than usual. I asked Butterfly who she was going to be and she said “I’m just going to be me, silly Daddy.” Good enough.

I summoned all of my engineering insight and judgment to construct another pillow house. This one came in the shape of a long tunnel. Butterfly immediately dubbed this creation a “hidey hole” (definition: a hole in which one hides.) I knew immediately that my creation was appreciated when Butterfly screamed at the top of her lungs for her mother to come and watch her play in it. In and out she went while “Pocahontas” called to her from various locations. Ladybug was curious enough to peek into the hole, but not brave enough to venture inside. She liked her chances much better where Pocahontas could keep an eye on her.

But, all good things must come to an end. Butterfly said “Daddy, you crawl in the hidey hole!” So I slowly ventured my way into the dark corridor. The only way for me to fit was to simply lay onto the floor. Immediately after my arrival, I felt the weight of a 3 yr. old on my chest and heard that deep, infectious belly laugh.

Once again, my hard work was erased in a matter of seconds. Most likely, Butterfly will never remember stories of clean gutters or trimmed hedges, but she’ll definitely remember the pillow houses. I know this because every evening since, she’s pulled close to my ear and whispered “Daddy, let’s go build pillow houses.” It’s good to have someone recognize a quality project when they see it.

Apparently, we have one of two possible problems. Either (1) the previous owners of our house put in some not-too-good toilets or (2) we eat too much Chinese food. And, since I’m not going to give up my Mongolian Beef anytime soon, it looks like I’ll be replacing a few porcelain thrones.

I replaced the downstairs toilet the last time my in-laws were in town. So, since they came into town again, my wife decided that I should replace the one in our bathroom. Apparently, she’s not a fan of the random, midnight flushings or the sound of the tank filling up for no reason.

So, off we went again to Lowe’s. This time, I decided to evaluate the available toilet options a little better. I narrowed down the choices to 2 models. One was the exact same type that we put in downstairs. The other advertised that it could flush 400 golf balls which is good because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to do my business and out comes about 350 golf balls. Unfortunately, that one was $120 more, so I went with the “Cadet 3″.

This replacement was relatively uneventful…until we got done. When we moved into the house, we painted over the dark green wallpaper with a soft purple. Since I installed a smaller toilet, we now have this beautiful green wallpaper peering at us from it’s hiding place. So, while I crossed one thing off my list, I had to add another. But let’s be realistic…we’ll probably leave the unpainted spot just the way it is until we decide that it’s time to sell our house. Then we’ll panic, try to find a color that matches, not be able to do so, and then we’ll repaint the whole bathroom. It’s crazy. Why do I even try to catch up on all this house work? That’s it, I’m stressed…I need some Chinese food…

When I was in high school, I didn’t fair too well at the standard after school jobs. I worked for about 2 months at a clothing outlet store, but I was quickly bored with the rigors of making sure that all of the hangers were perfectly aligned. (Although, I did learn how to fold shirts and pants pretty well. If you’re interested in learning, maybe I’ll post about that someday…when I’m really, really bored.) So, my job became yard work. It started out as a “business” with my brother, but he went to college and I couldn’t handle the rigors of keeping 3 lawns cut all by myself. So, I went to work for a guy who had enough lawns to keep me happily employed through several summers. (I probably owe most of my current masculine physique to those long, hot days of riding across green lawns.) It wasn’t the most fun that I could have been having, but it was a job and I got paid at the end of every week.

Now, I’m all grown up and I absolutely love doing yard work…especially cutting the grass. I love to make the lawn look like a soft, green pallet of carpet. I’ll even spend extra time going back over certain spots so that it makes perfectly-aligned, light and dark stripes across the front yard. It would be the highest compliment to come out one morning to four guys teeing off in my front yard. “Sorry, sir, we could have sworn that this was a golf course.” Of course, I’d have to run them over with the green machine, but I’d be honored while doing so.

There’s this one tiny little problem with my love for lawn care….I have severe allergies (It helps with the whole “nerd” persona that I exude). For instance, if a cat has walks through our neighborhood, I’ll sneeze for about 15 minutes. Cutting the grass is essentially throwing a ton of allergens into the air and then me running around and inhaling them….over and over again.

I’ve tried taking Benadryl right before and right after cutting, but that only makes my allergies mad. And, of course, it makes me sleepy. That’s usually not good if I’m operating a machine with rapidly spinning sharp blades….though I suppose the neighbors might enjoy the show. I’ve also tried wearing a mask to prevent actually breathing-in the allergens. That’s OK now, but it becomes unbearable during the summer heat. The most important reason why I don’t do it, though, it because it just looks silly. I am at the height of grass-cutting fashion. I shall not be weighed down by silly masks.

So, for now, I’ll spend one day every two weeks making my grass look like Augusta National and then going through two boxes of kleenex. It’s a high price to pay for a pretty yard, but it all pays off when you run over your first golfer.

Sometimes my projects don’t go as well as I’d like them to. Sometimes it’s because of bad tools, other times it’s because the right parts aren’t in stock at the home improvement store. Mostly, though, it’s because of me. The really unfortunate downside is that most of my projects involve our house. So every little “oops” I utter makes my wife shake with fear.

My house needs a break. Well, I take that back, I’ve given it more than its fair share of breaks over the past few years. I think that my house would appreciate it much more if I stop “improving” it.

This time, I’ve decided to focus my inability on the yard. The grass has been growing wonderful since we’ve moved in, so I’m going to do my best to mess that up.

Our back yard has plenty of shade, leaves, and mosquitoes. Unfortunately, only one of these makes for a good play area. I’ve decided that I’d like to focus a bit this summer on cleaning out the leaves and brush. The easiest part was raking the leaves…getting rid of them hasn’t gone as well as planned. Apparently the neighbors aren’t buying the idea that I’m giving them free compost piles. Also, instead of growing grass, I’ve cultivated a nice crop of generic weeds. At least they’re green.

So here’s the plan. Butterfly and I went to Lowe’s this evening to get some supplies. First was grass seed. I got a small bag because it’s much easier on the wallet to waste a small bag than a big bag. Next, I got a bag of wildflower seeds. I’m hoping that I can scatter these about along the edges of the fence line and make my fence look wild. The last bag was full of birdseed. I figure I should at least have something alive in the backyard when I’m done.

The only problem left unsolved is the mosquitoes. My current approach of attracting them with my pasty-white skin and then smacking them into oblivion doesn’t seem to be making an impact. Got any other ideas?

It’s amazing to me how much I enjoy working outside. That’s good because there’s still a lot of work to be done to our backyard, and a lot of it revolves around the playset. For a good ground covering, I’ve decided that mulch is definitely the best way to go. But before the mulch goes down, I’m putting down a bunch of sand to help level the ground around it. But what good is all this sand if my girls can’t play in it?

This week, I’ve been working on upgrading the the sandbox. The original one that I had made was an odd shape because it had to fit under a tent that we had setup. The tent was our idea of letting Butterfly play outside during the summer without the danger of mosquitoes. With the new playset, I don’t think there’s any way we could keep her in a tent, anyhow.

At any rate, I wanted to build a sandbox that was big enough for both girls to play in and allows me to sit and play with them without having to curl up into a yoga position that will leave my knees hurting for 6 months. So, with everything I do, I built this thing entirely too big with too many features. Here’s how I did it…in case you’d like a sandbox that’s too big, too.

–First, I dug a hole about 18″ deep into the ground in what would be the center of the sandbox.
–Next, I covered the ground with 2 layers of “landscaping fabric.” Basically, this helps to prevent bugs and weeds from coming up into the sandbox. However, it’s much better than using plastic because it allows the moisture to seep down into the gown. Plastic would hold the water at the bottom of the sand and that could get nasty in a hurry. My first layer ran one direction and the second layer was rotated 90 degrees.
–Once the fabric was in place, I cut an “X” into the fabric on top of the hole that I had dug.
–I purchased 4 pieces of 2″x8″ untreated wood. Each was 10′ long. Basically, the untreated wood is much safer than the chemicals used for pressure treating. Sure, eventually it will rot away, but because of the way this is set-up, the boards shouldn’t be sitting in moisture, so they should last longer that the girls’ will to play in the sandbox.
–I cut all of the boards in half and made two squares
–I stacked the squares on top of each other….and fastened them together a few steps down.
–Now, I used the 4×4 post that I purchased (and didn’t mention yet) and stuck it into the hole I dug so that about 18″ stuck out of the ground. Then I packed the dirt in around it.
–I too a 4ft x 4ft piece of birch-venier plywood (because it was a scrap piece) and cut off the 4 corners to serve as seats. Then I cut out a hexagon to serve as a center table/seat.
–I fastened the hexagon table to the top of the post that was sticking out of the ground. This serves several purposes. If I need to sit in the sandbox, this will work. If one of the girls needs a little table, this will work. And finally, when I cover the whole contraption with a tarp, this will be a high spot and will force all of the water to run down, and keep from settling. Genius? yes….yes it is.
 –I took the left-over bits of the 4×4 post and put them in each corner to hold the sides together.
–I took the corners of the plywood and made seats for each corner of the sandbox.
–I made a bunch of trips with the wheel barrow to fill-up this monster. Butterfly enjoyed riding in both the empty wheel barrow and on top of the sand. She didn’t help much with filling the wheel barrow or the sandbox, but she sure did have fun riding!
–I purchased a special-designed cover for the sandbox. I’ll call it “random blue tarp from Wal-Mart”.

There you go.  That’s how you over-engineer a sandbox that’s too big.  Any questions?

Apparently, I’m not the only one that has issues with home repairs. Invariably, something goes awry and I spend entirely too long trying to figure out how to keep things from completely falling apart.

Since Saturday was a beautiful day, I though it would be a good time to spend half the day inside trying to mess-up my house in the name of “home improvement”.

We have a toilet downstairs that features a continuous flush mechanism. That’s fancy speak for “it runs all the time.” Nothing better than hearing the toilet randomly flush in the middle of the night. But it has started to flush more and more frequently, so I took advantage of the visit from my in-laws and got to work.

First, I had to pick a new toilet to put in. Apparently, there are 6,473 different styles of toilets. And the colors are insane. I needed an “off-white” to match the other decor in the bathroom. The available selections in this category were bone, alabaster, biscuit, cream, and pearl. WOW! There’s statistically no way for me to make the right choice here.

And then, my father-in-law pointed out something that I failed to notice….I get to pick the performance of this thing. For the environmentally sound, there’s the “efficient” models. However, most households in the south probably utilize the “standard” flush. So two engineers are standing in the aisle of Lowe’s trying to decide on which toilet to get…which do you think we got?

That’s right. We got a “high performance” model. There’s nothing better than feeling of 53 gallons of water surgie through a small bowl in less than 4 seconds. The walls in the house shake, the dishes rattle….yeah, it’s a good flusher.  The sticker on this thing in the store had a picture of a roll of toilet paper and a statement that read “flushes up to 150 feet.” There are a lot of jokes that I could put in this space, but I’m above that type of humor. (Actually, I’m having a hard time picking the best one. Got suggestions?)

But picking the potty was the easy part.  The hard part was putting it in.  2 trips to Lowes, a leaky valve, a low mounting flange, a washer that’s too large, the resulting trim-down with a dremel, 2 extra wax seals, and some left-over pieces later….we have a new toilet installed.  If give it a week before the whole thing falls through the floor.

In our lives, we often become attached to inanimate objects. Such is true when it comes to my obsession with power tools. And I’m non-discriminatory when it comes to tools. They can be powered by plug, battery, gas, pedals, windmill, happy thoughts….it doesn’t bother me. I just want to know that if it isn’t used properly, I could severely injure myself.

This weekend I finally got a few minutes to work in our back yard. There are some trees that are dead/dying that need to be cut down and have been needing if for a long time. (I was hoping that if I left them long enough nature would do it for me. Nature is much better at this waiting game than I am.) It is important to stop here and note that “this weekend” is past tense and “need to be cut down” is present tense. The weekend has passed and the trees still need to be cut down.

My Christmas gift from the in-laws was a gift card that was wasted utilized on a chainsaw. Take a look at this thing…it’s got to be the perfect chainsaw. It’s got crazy colors like purple and green…and….um….metal. And it’s called “wild thing”. Isn’t that crazy?

Well, my crazy chainsaw went and did something really insane….it broke. Surely I must have been cutting down a large sequoia and I just got the thing overheated, right? Well, almost. I was cutting a limb off of a tree. Was it a big limb? Well, if by “big” you mean thicker than my arm then….well, no. Bigger than my thumb? Well, that’s probably pretty close. I was just cutting this little limb and the next thing I know the chain is laying at my feet. That’s odd. I thought The chain really should be attached to the saw and not at my feet. But what do I know, I’m just an engineer.

So, I took the thing apart, fixed it, put it back together, cranked it and……..nothing. It sounded like the wild thing of old, but the chain did not move like I had hoped it would….which would mean that it didn’t move at all. (For those of you unfamiliar with tools like this, chain movement is a highly desirable feature in chainsaws.) So I took it back to the store and after evaluating it for about 30 minutes, the guy finally concluded that the chainsaw was indeed not functioning as it should. (I had offered to crank it up and show him, but he didn’t trust me….I dunno why. The skull-and-bones shirt might have had something to do with it. I doubt he could tell that the stains on my shirt were blood, though) The nice gentleman did take the time to demonstrate that if I moved my hands really fast and made a special noise with my mouth it would almost seem as if the saw was working. Since I couldn’t make that noise, I just got my money back…and I learned a valuable lesson as well. This purchase was clearly a waste of money and I won’t ever spend my money on something as frivolous as that again.

This next purchase, though, was much more thought out and rational:

My next post includes a funny anecdote about a trip to the doctor because of a deep gash on my leg.