Shallow Thinker

Before I start this post, I should give a quick vocabulary lesson. If something is shaped like a circle, it’s “circular”. Like a rectangle? Rectangular. Like a triangle? Triangular. What about if it is shaped like an oval? Ovular? Incorrect! That word nothing to do with geometry and a great deal to do with reproduction. I found this out when I submitted a formal report for my bosses to review…that was an interesting e-mail to read. The correct word is “elliptical.”

So, with that said, our bedroom has an elliptical window that sits directly above our bed and looks out over the front yard. While this is a neat little window, it lets in too much light when the sun rises. (Normally, we’re up before the sun, but the girls have spoiled us recently and let us stay in bed past 6:15!) And, since our neighbors are odd folk, they like to keep their flood lights on at night and pointed directly at this window. We need some method of blocking out light. As an interim solution, we have been stuffing a pillow into the window. While effective, it sure does look funny when you drive past the house. Butterfly has also learned that removing this pillow tweaks her mother a bit, so each morning she climbs up and removes the pillow with a wry grin. We need a better solution.

Since we moved into the house, we’ve had great plans for this window. First, we were going to have a stained glass window made. Time passed and that never happened. Then, we decided that hanging a curtain in front of the window would be cheaper. We even bought a little curtain rod to put above it. More time passed, fewer things got done. Then we decided that stained glass was the best route to take again. Nothing happened.

This weekend I decided that if something was going to be done, I’d have to take matters into my own hands (because they weren’t in my hands before?) I have some spare wood and a pencil. I think I can work up a temporary solution that looks a little better than having a Goofy pillowcase staring out of our window.

I measured and calculated. I drew out a bunch of lines on my board, and sketched out the shape…which reminded me how much I miss football. I toiled away with my trusty scroll saw under the hot sun (shade wasn’t available until another 2 hours into the project - foreshadowing) and eventually my shape was cut.

I put my board into the window and….ah man! how can it be that short on the sides. I remeasured, went back outside and sure enough. I’d written down 28.75″ instead of 29.75″. But, I could still salvage the project…So, from the big football, I cut a slightly smaller football. I traipsed back upstairs, installed the smaller board and…too big. I marked the places to sand, back downstairs, sanded, upstairs, mark, downstairs, sand, upstairs, mark, downstairs, sand….eventually my creation was small enough to be jammed into the window. See for yourself.

Currently, this thing isn’t very pretty. It’s just a piece of wood shoved into an oblong window. The goal, however is that I’ll put handles on it (for easy installation and removal). Then, I’ll paint it white to match the rest of the window. The wife and I have toyed around with the idea of letting the girls paint on the board or put their handprints on it. Realistically, it’s taken us 7 years just to get the piece of wood into the window. I expect it will be another 7 before we remove it and do anything with it. Besides, nothing brings out the Redneck Motif like a piece of board in the window. Our neighbors are proud.

I usually try to post about once each week day and then, if possible, once during the weekend. It’s that weekend one that varies the most. On some occasions, I have a bit of leisure time and I’ll think of something to help you waste your time. But then there are times like this past weekend. I felt like I was constantly going and as soon as night fell, so did I. There’s so much that needs to be done around the house and the yard that I’ll probably never be comfortable with the state of our property.

This past weekend, I had numerous projects going on. Some were more evident than others. Let’s take, for instance, cleaning out the gutters. The job was long, hot, tedious, and dirty. When I got done and looked at the house, did it look any different? Negative. Would any visitors be able to tell that I’d done it? No. Is there really much evidence that I’d spent so much time on this? Not that I can see. But, this was a task that had to be done…so I did it.

There were, however, a couple of very evident tasks and a couple that were very rewarding. This post is about one of the latter. (As opposed to one of “the ladder” which is what was used to clean out the gutters.)

After supper on Friday evening, Butterfly whispered to me “Daddy, I have a secret.” This is her new way of asking for something that she either knows she probably won’t get or doesn’t want her mother to hear because that would greatly decrease her chances of getting it. So, I readied myself to say “no” and leaned in close. “Why don’t we go build pillow houses!”

Upstairs we went to venture into imaginary realms which are supported by cloth and down. In this case, I was instructed to be Pocahontas. It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to sound a bit more feminine than usual. I asked Butterfly who she was going to be and she said “I’m just going to be me, silly Daddy.” Good enough.

I summoned all of my engineering insight and judgment to construct another pillow house. This one came in the shape of a long tunnel. Butterfly immediately dubbed this creation a “hidey hole” (definition: a hole in which one hides.) I knew immediately that my creation was appreciated when Butterfly screamed at the top of her lungs for her mother to come and watch her play in it. In and out she went while “Pocahontas” called to her from various locations. Ladybug was curious enough to peek into the hole, but not brave enough to venture inside. She liked her chances much better where Pocahontas could keep an eye on her.

But, all good things must come to an end. Butterfly said “Daddy, you crawl in the hidey hole!” So I slowly ventured my way into the dark corridor. The only way for me to fit was to simply lay onto the floor. Immediately after my arrival, I felt the weight of a 3 yr. old on my chest and heard that deep, infectious belly laugh.

Once again, my hard work was erased in a matter of seconds. Most likely, Butterfly will never remember stories of clean gutters or trimmed hedges, but she’ll definitely remember the pillow houses. I know this because every evening since, she’s pulled close to my ear and whispered “Daddy, let’s go build pillow houses.” It’s good to have someone recognize a quality project when they see it.

Apparently, we have one of two possible problems. Either (1) the previous owners of our house put in some not-too-good toilets or (2) we eat too much Chinese food. And, since I’m not going to give up my Mongolian Beef anytime soon, it looks like I’ll be replacing a few porcelain thrones.

I replaced the downstairs toilet the last time my in-laws were in town. So, since they came into town again, my wife decided that I should replace the one in our bathroom. Apparently, she’s not a fan of the random, midnight flushings or the sound of the tank filling up for no reason.

So, off we went again to Lowe’s. This time, I decided to evaluate the available toilet options a little better. I narrowed down the choices to 2 models. One was the exact same type that we put in downstairs. The other advertised that it could flush 400 golf balls which is good because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to do my business and out comes about 350 golf balls. Unfortunately, that one was $120 more, so I went with the “Cadet 3″.

This replacement was relatively uneventful…until we got done. When we moved into the house, we painted over the dark green wallpaper with a soft purple. Since I installed a smaller toilet, we now have this beautiful green wallpaper peering at us from it’s hiding place. So, while I crossed one thing off my list, I had to add another. But let’s be realistic…we’ll probably leave the unpainted spot just the way it is until we decide that it’s time to sell our house. Then we’ll panic, try to find a color that matches, not be able to do so, and then we’ll repaint the whole bathroom. It’s crazy. Why do I even try to catch up on all this house work? That’s it, I’m stressed…I need some Chinese food…

When I was in high school, I didn’t fair too well at the standard after school jobs. I worked for about 2 months at a clothing outlet store, but I was quickly bored with the rigors of making sure that all of the hangers were perfectly aligned. (Although, I did learn how to fold shirts and pants pretty well. If you’re interested in learning, maybe I’ll post about that someday…when I’m really, really bored.) So, my job became yard work. It started out as a “business” with my brother, but he went to college and I couldn’t handle the rigors of keeping 3 lawns cut all by myself. So, I went to work for a guy who had enough lawns to keep me happily employed through several summers. (I probably owe most of my current masculine physique to those long, hot days of riding across green lawns.) It wasn’t the most fun that I could have been having, but it was a job and I got paid at the end of every week.

Now, I’m all grown up and I absolutely love doing yard work…especially cutting the grass. I love to make the lawn look like a soft, green pallet of carpet. I’ll even spend extra time going back over certain spots so that it makes perfectly-aligned, light and dark stripes across the front yard. It would be the highest compliment to come out one morning to four guys teeing off in my front yard. “Sorry, sir, we could have sworn that this was a golf course.” Of course, I’d have to run them over with the green machine, but I’d be honored while doing so.

There’s this one tiny little problem with my love for lawn care….I have severe allergies (It helps with the whole “nerd” persona that I exude). For instance, if a cat has walks through our neighborhood, I’ll sneeze for about 15 minutes. Cutting the grass is essentially throwing a ton of allergens into the air and then me running around and inhaling them….over and over again.

I’ve tried taking Benadryl right before and right after cutting, but that only makes my allergies mad. And, of course, it makes me sleepy. That’s usually not good if I’m operating a machine with rapidly spinning sharp blades….though I suppose the neighbors might enjoy the show. I’ve also tried wearing a mask to prevent actually breathing-in the allergens. That’s OK now, but it becomes unbearable during the summer heat. The most important reason why I don’t do it, though, it because it just looks silly. I am at the height of grass-cutting fashion. I shall not be weighed down by silly masks.

So, for now, I’ll spend one day every two weeks making my grass look like Augusta National and then going through two boxes of kleenex. It’s a high price to pay for a pretty yard, but it all pays off when you run over your first golfer.

Sometimes my projects don’t go as well as I’d like them to. Sometimes it’s because of bad tools, other times it’s because the right parts aren’t in stock at the home improvement store. Mostly, though, it’s because of me. The really unfortunate downside is that most of my projects involve our house. So every little “oops” I utter makes my wife shake with fear.

My house needs a break. Well, I take that back, I’ve given it more than its fair share of breaks over the past few years. I think that my house would appreciate it much more if I stop “improving” it.

This time, I’ve decided to focus my inability on the yard. The grass has been growing wonderful since we’ve moved in, so I’m going to do my best to mess that up.

Our back yard has plenty of shade, leaves, and mosquitoes. Unfortunately, only one of these makes for a good play area. I’ve decided that I’d like to focus a bit this summer on cleaning out the leaves and brush. The easiest part was raking the leaves…getting rid of them hasn’t gone as well as planned. Apparently the neighbors aren’t buying the idea that I’m giving them free compost piles. Also, instead of growing grass, I’ve cultivated a nice crop of generic weeds. At least they’re green.

So here’s the plan. Butterfly and I went to Lowe’s this evening to get some supplies. First was grass seed. I got a small bag because it’s much easier on the wallet to waste a small bag than a big bag. Next, I got a bag of wildflower seeds. I’m hoping that I can scatter these about along the edges of the fence line and make my fence look wild. The last bag was full of birdseed. I figure I should at least have something alive in the backyard when I’m done.

The only problem left unsolved is the mosquitoes. My current approach of attracting them with my pasty-white skin and then smacking them into oblivion doesn’t seem to be making an impact. Got any other ideas?

It’s amazing to me how much I enjoy working outside. That’s good because there’s still a lot of work to be done to our backyard, and a lot of it revolves around the playset. For a good ground covering, I’ve decided that mulch is definitely the best way to go. But before the mulch goes down, I’m putting down a bunch of sand to help level the ground around it. But what good is all this sand if my girls can’t play in it?

This week, I’ve been working on upgrading the the sandbox. The original one that I had made was an odd shape because it had to fit under a tent that we had setup. The tent was our idea of letting Butterfly play outside during the summer without the danger of mosquitoes. With the new playset, I don’t think there’s any way we could keep her in a tent, anyhow.

At any rate, I wanted to build a sandbox that was big enough for both girls to play in and allows me to sit and play with them without having to curl up into a yoga position that will leave my knees hurting for 6 months. So, with everything I do, I built this thing entirely too big with too many features. Here’s how I did it…in case you’d like a sandbox that’s too big, too.

–First, I dug a hole about 18″ deep into the ground in what would be the center of the sandbox.
–Next, I covered the ground with 2 layers of “landscaping fabric.” Basically, this helps to prevent bugs and weeds from coming up into the sandbox. However, it’s much better than using plastic because it allows the moisture to seep down into the gown. Plastic would hold the water at the bottom of the sand and that could get nasty in a hurry. My first layer ran one direction and the second layer was rotated 90 degrees.
–Once the fabric was in place, I cut an “X” into the fabric on top of the hole that I had dug.
–I purchased 4 pieces of 2″x8″ untreated wood. Each was 10′ long. Basically, the untreated wood is much safer than the chemicals used for pressure treating. Sure, eventually it will rot away, but because of the way this is set-up, the boards shouldn’t be sitting in moisture, so they should last longer that the girls’ will to play in the sandbox.
–I cut all of the boards in half and made two squares
–I stacked the squares on top of each other….and fastened them together a few steps down.
–Now, I used the 4×4 post that I purchased (and didn’t mention yet) and stuck it into the hole I dug so that about 18″ stuck out of the ground. Then I packed the dirt in around it.
–I too a 4ft x 4ft piece of birch-venier plywood (because it was a scrap piece) and cut off the 4 corners to serve as seats. Then I cut out a hexagon to serve as a center table/seat.
–I fastened the hexagon table to the top of the post that was sticking out of the ground. This serves several purposes. If I need to sit in the sandbox, this will work. If one of the girls needs a little table, this will work. And finally, when I cover the whole contraption with a tarp, this will be a high spot and will force all of the water to run down, and keep from settling. Genius? yes….yes it is.
 –I took the left-over bits of the 4×4 post and put them in each corner to hold the sides together.
–I took the corners of the plywood and made seats for each corner of the sandbox.
–I made a bunch of trips with the wheel barrow to fill-up this monster. Butterfly enjoyed riding in both the empty wheel barrow and on top of the sand. She didn’t help much with filling the wheel barrow or the sandbox, but she sure did have fun riding!
–I purchased a special-designed cover for the sandbox. I’ll call it “random blue tarp from Wal-Mart”.

There you go.  That’s how you over-engineer a sandbox that’s too big.  Any questions?

Apparently, I’m not the only one that has issues with home repairs. Invariably, something goes awry and I spend entirely too long trying to figure out how to keep things from completely falling apart.

Since Saturday was a beautiful day, I though it would be a good time to spend half the day inside trying to mess-up my house in the name of “home improvement”.

We have a toilet downstairs that features a continuous flush mechanism. That’s fancy speak for “it runs all the time.” Nothing better than hearing the toilet randomly flush in the middle of the night. But it has started to flush more and more frequently, so I took advantage of the visit from my in-laws and got to work.

First, I had to pick a new toilet to put in. Apparently, there are 6,473 different styles of toilets. And the colors are insane. I needed an “off-white” to match the other decor in the bathroom. The available selections in this category were bone, alabaster, biscuit, cream, and pearl. WOW! There’s statistically no way for me to make the right choice here.

And then, my father-in-law pointed out something that I failed to notice….I get to pick the performance of this thing. For the environmentally sound, there’s the “efficient” models. However, most households in the south probably utilize the “standard” flush. So two engineers are standing in the aisle of Lowe’s trying to decide on which toilet to get…which do you think we got?

That’s right. We got a “high performance” model. There’s nothing better than feeling of 53 gallons of water surgie through a small bowl in less than 4 seconds. The walls in the house shake, the dishes rattle….yeah, it’s a good flusher.  The sticker on this thing in the store had a picture of a roll of toilet paper and a statement that read “flushes up to 150 feet.” There are a lot of jokes that I could put in this space, but I’m above that type of humor. (Actually, I’m having a hard time picking the best one. Got suggestions?)

But picking the potty was the easy part.  The hard part was putting it in.  2 trips to Lowes, a leaky valve, a low mounting flange, a washer that’s too large, the resulting trim-down with a dremel, 2 extra wax seals, and some left-over pieces later….we have a new toilet installed.  If give it a week before the whole thing falls through the floor.

In our lives, we often become attached to inanimate objects. Such is true when it comes to my obsession with power tools. And I’m non-discriminatory when it comes to tools. They can be powered by plug, battery, gas, pedals, windmill, happy thoughts….it doesn’t bother me. I just want to know that if it isn’t used properly, I could severely injure myself.

This weekend I finally got a few minutes to work in our back yard. There are some trees that are dead/dying that need to be cut down and have been needing if for a long time. (I was hoping that if I left them long enough nature would do it for me. Nature is much better at this waiting game than I am.) It is important to stop here and note that “this weekend” is past tense and “need to be cut down” is present tense. The weekend has passed and the trees still need to be cut down.

My Christmas gift from the in-laws was a gift card that was wasted utilized on a chainsaw. Take a look at this thing…it’s got to be the perfect chainsaw. It’s got crazy colors like purple and green…and….um….metal. And it’s called “wild thing”. Isn’t that crazy?

Well, my crazy chainsaw went and did something really insane….it broke. Surely I must have been cutting down a large sequoia and I just got the thing overheated, right? Well, almost. I was cutting a limb off of a tree. Was it a big limb? Well, if by “big” you mean thicker than my arm then….well, no. Bigger than my thumb? Well, that’s probably pretty close. I was just cutting this little limb and the next thing I know the chain is laying at my feet. That’s odd. I thought The chain really should be attached to the saw and not at my feet. But what do I know, I’m just an engineer.

So, I took the thing apart, fixed it, put it back together, cranked it and……..nothing. It sounded like the wild thing of old, but the chain did not move like I had hoped it would….which would mean that it didn’t move at all. (For those of you unfamiliar with tools like this, chain movement is a highly desirable feature in chainsaws.) So I took it back to the store and after evaluating it for about 30 minutes, the guy finally concluded that the chainsaw was indeed not functioning as it should. (I had offered to crank it up and show him, but he didn’t trust me….I dunno why. The skull-and-bones shirt might have had something to do with it. I doubt he could tell that the stains on my shirt were blood, though) The nice gentleman did take the time to demonstrate that if I moved my hands really fast and made a special noise with my mouth it would almost seem as if the saw was working. Since I couldn’t make that noise, I just got my money back…and I learned a valuable lesson as well. This purchase was clearly a waste of money and I won’t ever spend my money on something as frivolous as that again.

This next purchase, though, was much more thought out and rational:

My next post includes a funny anecdote about a trip to the doctor because of a deep gash on my leg.

It’s a good thing that I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering. With such knowledge and education, I was able to take this simple two-day project and stretch it over a week and a half. And I’m still not done. There is a section of monkey bars that needs to go up, but we decided that it was probably best to wait. Our excuse is that Ladybug enjoys crawling around in the top of the house and we don’t want a wide open gap for her to fall through. The reality is that this thing beat me. It sits in our backyard taunting me. The monkey bars are just too much.

When I put this up, I used sand to level the ground. The down side is that the sand came from the sandbox that I had made a year ago (on the left side of the picture)….so now I have to go get more sand. And we need some cedar chips around the base. See what I mean? This playset is a monster. And now it sits in my backyard laughing at me. Just look at it sitting there all smug…

At the beginning of the project, the choice was between building my own design and constructing a prefabricated unit. One of the biggest factors was all the time that the prefabbed unit would save. I’m pretty sure I could have whittled a playset out of granite in the time that it took me to finish this. And with the granite, I probably wouldn’t have had as many leftover parts, either. Really, I can’t figure out why I have this many bolts that I didn’t use. There’s only one way to test it out…Butterfly, get up in there and jump around and let’s see if it collapses.  But don’t jump with that stick in your hand…safety first!

My wonderful Alma Mater offers a degree in Technical Communications which basically helps you learn how to take technical things and explain them to the common person. For instance, want to explain how to operate a chainsaw? A Technical Communications major probably helped write the instruction manual.

Why is that information important? Because the person (or people) who wrote the manual on how to assemble the playset obviously did not hire a TCO major. Not to mention that the thing was written in French. Apparently there were 2 manuals. One was written in English and one in French. Perhaps this was stated at the beginning of the instructions, but since I couldn’t read French, I didn’t know. By the time I found the other manual, it was too late. I’d assembled the wrong language playset. Now my child has to play in French.

Things got so bad that we had to recruit Butterfly to come and help out. You can see her in the picture to the left adjusting some of my work. She immediately noticed that I had used Item EE with a 1.25″ screw in step 22 instead of Item EG with a 1.27″ screw. Also in the picture, Dr. Dave is trying to figure out how in the world I installed a railing where the slide is supposed to go. (I blame public education.)

At any rate, by the end of Day 2, we had a ladder which lead up to the platforms. On the downside, there weren’t any railings or walls on the platform. So, the desire to play on the playset had increased while the safety factor had managed to decrease. Apparently sharp, pointy objects aren’t supposed to poke you in the skin. Just another fact they should have included in the manual.

Not too long ago, the wife and I decided that it was time for a playset in the back yard. Because she is able to work from home, she also has the “joy” of entertaining two children all day. So, a playset seemed like a perfect idea. It includes climbing, jumping, sliding, swinging, and several opportunities to fall and give concussions…everything a child needs to grow healthy and happy.

So at the start of the project, I did what I do with everything I purchase. I used my obsessive-compulsive powers to research and analyze virtually every option available. After a detailed cost analysis and numerous graphs later, I had it narrowed down to two possibilities. I could either design and build my own playset or I could buy one of the prefabricated one’s from Lowe’s. Having seen how skilled I am with powertools, my wife strongly recommended that we go the prefabbed route.

So, the first thing you need with a project like this is a good work bench. It just so happens that I had one handy that I could use…

Nothing works quite as well as the bed of a ‘74 Chevy. Well, a ‘73 comes close but I’ve found that the ‘74 just holds things a little better.

Next, I needed a device to help me hold everything in place, hold it level, and hold it square while I screwed it down. Ah, yes, there it is…

The side of the ‘74 Chevy works here. Some people try to use the front, but it doesn’t offer the support that you need. The side gives plenty of stability because it….um….IT JUST DOES, OK! Geez, why do you question every decision I make?!

So, after a the first day, with the help of my utility tool and my friend, Dr. Dave, we were able to get the playset far enough for Butterfly to want to play on it, but not far enough for it to be safe. Yeah, that’s a good day’s work.